Gentleman ♀

Back And Forth

Hello,

So, as you might know, might not, I went bowling with my friends today. Ari, Vinny, Athena, and I. If you're not well versed on my life recently then I suggest you go read my entry about the nice person on discord, it's kind of like a recap of everything going on right now in retrospect and with commentary. Yay... Anyways, so yeah I went there and it was pretty normal for all the shit going on behind the scenes. Vinny and I had, like, an hour-long conversation over text beforehand then my dad and I picked him up and we went to the bowling alley. I don't even know how to feel about him anymore dude. Every time I think about him or see him I can't help but smile yet inside all I can think about is that he's hiding something. It stresses me out so much and I don't know what to doooooooooooooooo! I guess you probably predicted that I'd chicken out of telling him and yeah, I did. The timing just wasn't right and I didn't want to be the mood ruiner. I hate myselffffffffffffff-

About the bowling thing again, like I said, it was normal. I did notice something about myself though, and that's the fact that confidence comes in waves. When I got there I was super energetic and hypes up about the whole thing. I was chatty and happy and up close, within all the conversations. But as the outing went on I just slowly started feeling detached. I don't think it was just my fault though because it seemed like the longer I was there, the less anyone acknowledged my existence. As more people came to the bowling alley the less I felt welcome and by the end, they were just ignoring my existence. It's not just me who noticed it either! Ari, Vinny, and Athena went across the bowling alley to play other games without telling me and Athenas' mom saw. She asked me if they were being meanie butts and I had to assure her that they were fine and just walked over there without telling me. Eventually, I walked over there with them but I just couldn't insert myself into any conversations. You don't even know how horrible feels till your friends ignore everything you say. Even when I said their names to get their attention they still didn't hear me. I felt so small and worthless it was insane. I knew they weren't meaning to ignore me but that almost made it worse. To know that they really just tuned me out that much. Damn...

My point is that there, I went from energetic to anxiety. Well, other times I go from anxiety to energetic. I either defrost or freeze, and I hate both versions of myself!!! Outgoing me is annoying and ignorant while quiet me is too shy and awkward. Either way, no one wants to be around me and they all hate me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sick of hating myself! I'm so sick of feeling annoying, I'm so sick of feeling detached, I'm so sick of feeling useless and ugly and stupid! If I weren't such a hopeful whimp I'd want to kill myself right now. I don't want to die, and I likely never will, but I think I'd like to be in a coma. A non-conscious, medically induced coma. Maybe then I wouldn't have to deal with growing up and school and drama. Maybe people would notice me then, you know?

God, I'm so selfish. There are probably children being abused right now and people dying or dealing with homelessness and I'm complaining about my insecurities. In a safe warm house, on a Chromebook, with access to plenty of family and friends at the click of a button. Nothing I ever do is ever going to be good enough. Ever, in my entire life. And death. I'll never be happy with myself, I'll never be satisfied with what I have, I'll never feel like I did enough. Every second I'm not helping I'm hurting someone and yet I do nothing to stop it. I'm lazy and stupid and ungrateful. I don't even deserve to live. There are so many good people who could have lived instead. I guess I can't give up though. I might not deserve to live but that's exactly why I can't die. My life was accidentally created and to go at my own hands while amazing people were forced to is offensive and ungrateful. Fuck my life!... but not enough to kill me. Just don't let me forget how worthless I am to everyone.

Btw, it's my sister's birthday today so happy birthday Hailey. We're going to Kalihari resort tomorro- today so that'll be fun. One read = one anti-depressant for me! I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I've gotta go to sleep. Goodnight.

~ Gentleman