TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2022-03-20 15:47:30 (UTC)

Update

I didn't realize it had been nearly a month since I've been here. The weather is getting nicer and that means being outside more. I've been trying to make more time for myself to do things I enjoy doing, and it's improved my mental health dramatically. I'm not going to say all is well, but I feel better than I have for a long while. (inward cheers and yips)
I have sort of patched things up with HIM. Not in a relationship sense, but in a friendship way. I do value him as a person but I know in terms of love it's not there for me. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling a sense of being alright without someone. It doesn't mean I now fancy being alone all my life, but the sense of desperation to appease my loneliness is abating. I read something about not zipping ourselves to situations or people that don't fit us, and the visual imagery really resonates with me. I've done that a lot with the various men I've encountered. "It's not you, it's me" might apply here but more like 50/50. I am feeling more and more that I need to get myself to a better place without the distraction of someone in my life. I've made some positive steps, as working out a continued routine of gym and other exercise, I updated my resume and looking at getting an extra certification sometime this year. I need to be better, for whatever is left for me in this life. I am ill with grief and hopelessness. I know there is a dark place in me that might always be there and that I might always have to actively push away from. I accept it and at the same time think that the more positive I can add that it will shrink the dark more until maybe it turns from that gaping hole to a pinprick.
-TM




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