Gentleman ♀

Definitely A Care

Hiiiiiii,

So, GOD DAMN IT!?!?!? I was so happy and, you know, not caring before but Olivia texted me and I’m like wax to a flame when it comes to her so I just melted. We talked for like three hours and she tipped the candle and I spilled. My hands are typing too so they’re not shaky, making the rest of my body jerk around a ton. Like being shaky but x10.

At first, we talked about normal stuff like DQ toast, Turning Red, and shit but it just spiraled dude. After that we started talking about eyes and how we both hated our own but loved each other. I still don't get how mine could be pretty though. They're solid brown, almost black, and dead-looking. Her's are bright blue and no joke, just the other day I was thinking about how pretty her eyes were. I told her that too, she needs to know. Not in a crush way though, I feel like every time I say something nice, someone reading this is gunna think I have a crush- Then we talked about the rest of our bodies. She said how normal she felt and I told her she wasn't. She said she wished she looked like me because I have a face that says "I'm an amazing person". I thanked her but told her she was literally delusional. Apparently, when we were looking at each other over the table a few days ago she was wishing she looked like me... I don't think I'll ever forget that you know. I don't know whether to be happy or feel horrible. I told her that she was super pretty and that I have like, no good qualities. She said it gave her deja vu.

I guess last night she and Vinny were talking and Olivia said that she had no talents. Vinny told her she did have talents and I told her he was right. We talked about her dying her hair purple soon and then she said she'd been meaning to tell me something. She said that both her and Vinny didn't mind talking about them being together as long as no one else was around. I admitted that I was afraid to bring it up and will still be. She said she knew I was afraid, hence why she was telling me. I said that as far as I was concerned, we were never going to talk about it or even think about it ever again and she said she really didn't care. I told her that I'm admittedly made of pure anxiety and that I refuse to believe she doesn't care and/or find me annoying. She told me that she kinda liked talking about it because it calms her down and makes her feel like a good person for being open with me. I agreed that it felt good to talk about and said that it made me feel like I was being at least a half-decent friend for listening. She told me that I was an amazing friend and a lifelong friend. At this point I was all in, no going back now. I told her how I wished I was. I said that I like to tell myself that I'm special for listening but that it was really just basic friend stuff. She assured me that it was definitely not basic friend stuff and I thanked her because I needed to hear that. I said that I just always feel like I could be better or do more and she said that that's how most good people feel. I swear she went from a good friend to my fucking savior in the span of a few months. This girl's a keeper for sure.

After that, the conversation fizzled out a bit and she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I asked said sure, if she wasn't sick of me yet, and asked if there was anything she wanted to hear. She said no but I think we both knew we wanted to talk about her and Vinny some more. Eventually, she asked if I had any more questions about it and I said that I honestly had a ton more. She told me to ask away but I quickly realized that all the easy questions had been answered. Instead, I admitted how the whole thing hit me like a brick. She said she was sorry and probably should've softened the brick but I said it wasn't her fault. She said that after the whole thing she feels like her and Vinny are better friends. I said that they probably are and she agreed. I told her that Vinny stresses me out and she agreed to that too. I said that I cant tell if he's super open or super closed and she said that she thinks he needs better friends. She said that she didn't know who they were but they gave her a bad feeling. I told her that I knew what she was saying and she said that she noticed he acts completely different around them. She said that she wants to know the real Vinny and that something's fishy. I told her that I noticed it too and how it's been stressing me out for a while. she said that we're overprotective and started crying because of how concerned she was.

She said that she was thinking about all the worst-case scenarios and I asked her what those were. She said she didn't know but they were bad, gave her a horrible feeling. I told her that I was so happy she brought it up (obviously not happy but relieved) and that I thought I was just being paranoid. She said she was glad too and we agreed that we should ask him about it but it wasn't really our business. I said I kept chickening out of asking him and she suggested that we power through it together on monday. I said yes but no but yes but no but yes but no. I told her that I've been slowly piecing the whole thing together and that I felt like a private investigator or some shit. I said that maybe we are being overprotective and she said that I'm not. I asked, but what if I am and she said that we're both overprotective then. It was kind of comforting but really I think we might really just both be overprotective. She said that she was so freaked out that she was hugging her pillow and I said that my hands were getting shaky from just thinking about it. We talked a little more and then I asked if she had any theories about whats going on with him. She doesn't know about Vinny and Athena right now and I'm not supposed to tell her so I was just wondering what she thought it could be. Plus, there's definitely more than just a secret relationship or two going on. She said that she thinks his friends are using him for something. Neither of us know what they'd be using him for but she thinks they definitely are. Apparently, a few months ago he told Olivia that one of his friends wasn't who they said they were. Heh, I guess I'm late to the party then lol. But really, he didn't want to say who and we have no clue who it could be. She said that back in December he texted her this,

"The way my trust issues work is whenever somebody says “you’re my best friend” or “I think you’re a perfect friend”y mind immediately goes to the exact opposite. “I think you’re a terrible friend” or “you suck and I hate you” so that’s why I acted weird when you suddenly became my friend. My mind typically thinks that people are going to take advantage of me, so I don’t trust a lot of people. I have a few really good friends who I know will always have my back, and you’re one of them."

I've gotta say, I'm super jealous. Like, he opened up to her like that all the way back in December. He's not like a brother to me, at this point we're practically strangers. Man... That hurts... But nonetheless, I told her that it surprised me. I said something like "I always knew he was a big ball of anxiety but I didn't think he'd tell anyone". She agreed. I told her that she should know that she really is something special to him. I let her know that as far as I'm concerned he doesn't open up to anyone other than her like that and she said she was bright pink. She said she had to go now but before she went I let her know that she's special to me too. I told her that I'm not open like this with anyone else either and honestly, I admire her so much right now. Of corse, I didn't tell her the last part but I should the next time we talk. I'm so fucking jealous, everyone just opens up to her like that and it's so amazing I- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I want her majic! How does she do thissssss?

Either way, my plan for the future is to get Vinny to be like that with me. Obviously, he doesn't need me since he has Olivia but I guess that's the price you pay for being an asshole to everyone you meet. My idea is to just be honest with him... Kind of... I'm going to be honest sometimes and make him think I'm being honest other times. Tomorrow I'm carpooling with him to the bowling place so my plan is to get warmed up in the car, then after we get out I ask if I can talk to him for a second. He'll probably say yes and then boom, I'll be a good friend or something... Maybe a bad friend since I'm kind of lying but whatever, as long as it works and isn't mean. I'll say something like this probably,

“You know Vinny, you really stress me out sometimes. I know I’m a bitch but you’re one of my best friends and I know you’re hiding something. You don’t have to tell me what it is but I just want to let you know that you can tell me if you want to and I won’t judge, no matter what it is.”

It's not perfect but it'll do for the time being. I'm definitely overthinking this but I said it like that for a reason. First, I tell him that he stresses me out. It's being open, which builds trust and lets him know that I care even when we're not actively hanging out. Second, once again, I'm open. I tell him that I know I'm an asshole -- or bitch I guess -- and let him know that I care enough to notice he's hiding something. That's the lie, it's not even really a lie, I just heavily imply that I have no clue what he's hiding and see if he tells me. Third, I let him know that he can open up to me, that I'm not forcing him to talk, but that I'm here if he WANTS to talk to me. Keyword, want. Because no matter how jealous I am, in this situation it only matters how happy he is. And lastly, I make sure he knows that I won't judge him. I've already established from Olivia that he has trust issues so if I really hammer it home that he can trust me then I think it might just work. In the end, I love my friends, I just want them to be happy whatever happens. If he opens up to me, great, if not, that's okay too. It won't be instant but if he just admits himself that he and Athena are together it'll be a start. I might brainstorm a few more ways I could say it but other than that I'm going to sleep. Wish me luck! Goodnight!

"Hey Vinny, can we be real for a sec?"
"Sure, what is it"
"You know, you really stress me out sometimes."
*Vinny says something either confirming or denying it, idrc, the I somehow segway into*
"I know you're hiding something from me. I don't know if it's about you and Olivia or something else but you're definitely not saying something. I'm not here to make you talk though, I just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me. I know I'm a bitch and probably not even that good of a friend but I'll listen if you need someone to and I can keep a secret if you want me to"

Note: This one's not as good but I like mentioning the Olivia thing and admitting that I'm a sucky friend

"You know Vinny, you really stress me out sometimes. You're one of my best friends and I know when you’re hiding something. I don't know if it's about the whole you and Olivia thing or something else but there's definitely something going on. I'm not gunna force you to tell me anything and I know I'm kind of a bitch, but I'm a bitch who's willing to listen and not judge or pick sides and can keep a secret. Whatever you need if you need it."

Note: The ending is a bit cheesy and its kind of long but it gets the point across well, it's pretty much a mix of the first two

~ Gentleman