Tati

I think I’m lonely

Yeah. I think I’m quite lonely.
The feeling of being content, sad, bored, or lonely have blended together so much that at times I’m not sure what I’m feeling.
I think I have a desire for companionship. Deep down. The desire for connection too. To have someone who understands you on a whole different level than others. Or company in how I feel. Someone who is experiencing so much of the same stuff that it’s just nice to know someone else feels the same or does the same things.
To feel like an outcast, but to not feel alone.

A “let’s be sad together” sort of feel. It’s not like I’m always sad though. Just a majority of the time, I don’t feel like talking or doing much besides reading and listening to music. If someone felt the same way, it would be nice to just bask in each other’s presence without doing that anxiousness to make conversation and do it smoothly or to keep them interested. Being on the same wavelength as someone seems like a very wishful scenario. Silly.

Besides, getting in that situation would take getting to know someone and I already know I wouldn’t even get past the acquaintance stage without somehow ghosting online. And irl I’m so awkward and nervous and not used to talking to people that I’d never even approach someone with the intent of building a strong connection with them. Even though I think it would be cool to have some nice social interactions and conversations with people who are different than me, i have fear.

If I didn’t fear people and their judgement, I’d be so much more unhinged and comfortable. Insecurity about my body is a whole other thing. I feel like if I were to let loose and do what I wanted, there would be consequences. Someone would think I’m weird. A teacher would tell me to tone it down. Or someone would tell me off.
…
Ok those worries sounds a bit ridiculous but I dunno what to tell you. Sure sure it doesn’t matter what other people think, and what they say doesn’t have to get to you if you don’t want it to. If you don’t care. AT THE SAME TIME, I don’t want to make a bad impression on my teachers. Plusss I don’t like some of the people there, but I wouldn’t be able to handle them not liking me (which honestly they probably don’t give a single **** about my existence not do they know of me whatsoever haven’t spared a single thought about me haven’t even looked in my fudging direction gosh I’m such a snowflake.).
Right.
Liking and disliking? Doesn’t matter. Just tryna get the work done and get out and hopefully not ruin my entire project by falling behind. As long as those things are focused on, any little minor mistakes on the side don’t matter. Socializing? A mistake. Never do that.🤨💀
It’s whatever. It’s like, be yourself, nothing matters at this point. And then myself is awkward and too quiet for people to hear...?? Like. bro? See watch me try to have a civilized conversation with my brother and it just won’t work because we goof off. A conversation with my mom? Decent. She’s very accommodating. With my dad? Kinda weird sometimes but okay, closest to how it is with ppl irl. But with ppl irl, Gosh it’s so bad. So so bad. Sooooooo bad.
I. I feel like. I always feel like I’m out of my depth. It’s like I’m performing without having been given a script or even a description of what to expect. It feel like I’m trying to practice a skill for the first time.
It feels dreadful. As though I’m doing something wrong at all times. Can’t even look a mf in the eye because why tf are they looking at me? Like stop? Ugh I just hate people for that. Why can’t you just be a voice instead of a whole body with eyes?
Can’t look ‘‘em in the eyes. Barely able to know when I should be nodding because somehow I don’t trust my voice to speak because oh yeah, my inside voice is too fudging quiet to be heard. Can’t think when I’m trying to respond because I feel so fudging worked up even trying to communicate with another human being (so I stutter a lot or repeat myself make me wanna die on the spot for the few minutes afterwards), AND LET IT BE KNOWN THAT SOMEHOW, TALKIGN WITH THE ADULTS IS THE ONLY THING IVE MANAGED TO DO😭😭

With people online, when there’s more identity to the person (say someone with a profile and not some random on Omegle that’s probably some fudging horndog) there’s a pressure to do well in whatever conversation, to fudging entertain them. Even if I’m aware that I don’t need to worry about that; I do anyway. I never have any fudging convo to make because all I do is think about myself and as it turns out, I’m pretty freaking content with that, go figure. So unless someone shows up with some relatable crap, I CANT CONTRIBUTE🤢 SICKENING

With people irl? I’ve already failed in whatever conversation we’re in. So all you get is me nodding along and avoiding eye contact/staring at the- (“wow this floor is made out of floor”) -ground.
So yeah. There’s my explanation for it. I’m not a people person (conversations give me some sort of anxiety about performance and I usually leave feeling worse) and I’m too self absorbed and empty minded on the spot to contribute to conversations properly.

And yet Im still over here longing for a stupid hug or something. I think I’m quite lonely. Hopelessly so.