Slowly descending into madness
Sickness & nightmares
Capitalist society feeds you lies, gaslights you into thinking you have control. But in reality you don’t. You’re doing everything workwise. Anything and everything to feel like you're enough.
For example, these days I feel like I'm too hard on myself with numerous project numbers. I'm very sick. I think I have the food poisoning. Does my sickness keep me away from overworking? Hell nah. How can I be enough then?
But I'm so happy about certain something. I ditched the one work thing I've been doing almost for a year. I'm so so so happy. I feel like this is the best decision I've taken 😏😏 They were underpaying and making me overwork, it's been a while. It can't go on like this. This is good for my non existent health.
I still have too much on my plate. It's insane. But right now I have some good stuff going on workwise. I just wish my health was a little bit better.
Oh, two different projects are assigned by two former crush. One was a very serious back in 2020 xD. I wish I could travel in the past and tell my younger self that I'm working with him just to see my former self very happy because these days it doesn’t make any difference to me except for the thought, "yay I'm getting paid".
Times change, feelings change, people change. Although if I knew I would be working with them in 2022, I'd never feel things for them in first place lmao. But it's kind of funny to think about it because I remember the excuses I used to make up to text 🤣 we have come a long way from texting awkwardly to have 3/4 meetings a day ahahahahaha.
After everything, I just wish I could have proper sleep without having nightmares time to time. I saw nightmares about loved ones dying consecutive two days. First one, family, second one, penguin. It’s probably because I'm constantly overthinking about him dying. If I have to choose between nightmares about me getting raped for two years straight again or him dying, first one is comparatively easier to deal with after I wake up.