Evolving marriage
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2022-03-19 15:28:28 (UTC)

Things start to Crumble

I ended up talking to this one lady in our Mommys group and she had said "I never deny my husband sex" and I cant even recall how this came up. But I was dumbfounded, she said she never told him No? It was his second marriage and she was a younger second wife and they had children around the same time we did.

I began to pray to God to help me with my sex life, strange as it may seem, I began to pray when my surfer husband started to initiate sex. And it seemed it started to work! I was able to start to relax and let go. I was still a busy Mom of 2 little ones at home and then my husband brought home a laptop, this was in the late 90s. He got it as "payment" for work for the pastor, he just passed off his older laptop to him. I had never had a computer, and this was before everyone had internet, we may have had a cell phone then but it was strictly for calling or texting and nothing more.

He set up the laptop and he put AOL on it, it was fun, chatting with strangers in chat rooms, had my gf over and we were in the christian chat trying to help her meet a guy online. It was silly and fun. One morning I was woken up really early, my husband was saying "Im really sorry, Im getting rid of AOL, I had cyber sex" and I was half out of it, tired, and had no idea what he was even talking about (I didnt even know the term cyber sex or what that meant) so I just said "Ok?" and he left for work and I went back to sleep, I didnt think much about it. Plus at that time AOL was not a flat fee, so we had the free trial and he cancelled it.

A few mos later AOL went one price unlimited and he put it back on the laptop.

I found my hangout chat rooms, there were about 3 different ones, started in the christian ones and then migrated to womens chats and local activities chats.

They were fun, people chatted, in one group I made a creative writing group and we all wrote via email with whatever the topic was and then we all read it

We eventually got a computer with a monitor. Something during this time I started to notice, my husband made me an appt to get my hair done, remember I said I didnt do all that and my mom didnt teach me any of that. I got it highlighted and colored, it looked really good, he kept saying he wanted my nails done (Im an outdoor and do a lot of work with my hands and a mom of 2 kids, dishes, diapers, playing outside) so nails werent a thing to me as Id just break or chip them with my lifestyle

He started to get jealous, out of the blue jealous. We were driving on the fwy and he hit his brakes all the sudden in traffic, scaring me. I said "What was that????" he replied "That guy was looking at you!!" I didnt even know what he was talking about, he then swerved over 2 lanes like someone in road rage.

One day I was going for a walk with the kids, I had one in a stroller and one in a backpack strapped to me, middle of the day, he came flying home, hit our fence post, and got out and said I was cheating.??? I said "huh?" I said "Oh and how is this happening with 2 kids on me? and where is it Im going?" He said "I dont know! Maybe you have your mom babysitting and your going dancing!!" it was totally irrational, in the middle of the day, and Im on foot to walk with my kids around the neighborhood.

Meanwhile Im reading books on how to be a good wife "Me? Obey him?" was one of them, submit to your husband. If I just be a good wife in the Lord, all will be good right?

Meanwhile my husband works long hours, forgets most special holidays for me and Im left in tears on Valentines Day being snubbed, several church services for a holiday and he didnt home in time and came in super late, so I was alone a lot. I didnt feel I was a priority, he was also now working part time as a youth pastor and preparing lessons, but there was no time devoted to his family in word or deed, plus he was compulsive with spending, constantly putting us in debt and that caused a lot of stress on me. I managed the $$, paid the bills, knew what we had to spend, $20 a wk for groceries, and we didnt eat out, HE DID. I learned how to bargain shop and spread meals out. My mother brought me groceries often and helped me with temp loans when we were short on a bill, to which I paid her back or did work for her.

I enjoyed AOL, it was my place to go and escape as my life was kids, home, church, mommy groups. Maybe a trip to Walmart thrown in as my outing. I told my husband I wanted to join a gym, HE FLIPPED OUT! "Youll meet men there!" I wanted to go the beach and hed say "THeres half naked women there!" so there was a reason for not being able to do things I enjoyed, they were temptations! I told him to go to the gym with me as a counter argument. He finally agreed, we enrolled, he went that first time, and never went again, I continued and enjoyed going and having an outlet of my own.

So AOL, this was way before Myspace, Facebook, Instagram, none of those exsisted.

And there were chat rooms. You would find a topic that interested you, and go into that chat and then it was like jumping into an ongoing convo with people, some who already knew one another. Chat rooms had limits to the amount of people so if it was full youd just have to keep trying to enter until someone left. Or someone would create another overflow type chat room.

We all started to take our first "Selfies" back then, I had a digital camera early on I got for a business I was starting at home online. I got it with tax return $$ and it was a great investment to start online sales. So we all took those pics of us, sexy, but not nude and in the best angles. And you could send it, and it would unload to others on the screen who you sent it too. So we all could start putting faces to names online.

We had meetups, at local eateries, or places. Which were fun and a big crowd of us getting together in person, laughing and enjoying lunch.

When I was getting ready to go to one of the meetups, it was a luncheon, I rented a car this time for the day, we had an older car and some issues with it, so I went to the car rental place, with my husband. He knew I was going to go, it was a womens chat, so he didnt seem to give much pushback to this, the guy at the rental counter said "Is this business or pleasure?" I said pleasure,,, and he said "Oh yeah? What?" I bashfully said "Its probably wierd sounding" he said "No..." meanwhile my husband stepped outside to I guess look over the car or something as I was left alone at the counter, I said "Its an AOL meet" He said "Oh yeah? Whats your screen name?" and he didnt bat an eye and act shocked, he was cool and thought it was fun sounding. I left with his business card and phone number/screen name on the card.

I went to the meet, had a good time, and all was well, and... I called the guy on the card. He was a fireman/paramedic who said he was taking a break and working at the rental place.
We met up at a park in town, I took the kids, we sat at a picnic table and chatted. Middle of the day. He was handsome, dark hair, he had a child also and wasnt married. He was fascinated about my life and listened to me, I spoke some about my marriage and my husband. And that was it.

When I got home my husband said "Who did you meet?" the minute he walked in the door???? I was scared, how did he know? and I didnt believe in lying, so I told him, I met a guy at the park and we talked, he told me I was having an affair and called our pastor. Next thing Im in a session with them both yelling at me, shaming me, telling me I cheated and Im playing games, the pastor looking at me shaking his head. I was sobbing, I said "I didnt deny I met a guy at the park, but I didnt cheat" I was honest, I was open and here I was the one in big trouble.

I was on lock down pretty much after that, More reading books on how to be a good submissive christian wife. Our issues were my fault right? I just needed to be a better wife, a good wife, a good girl, and what I did was bad.

Lots of arguments at home, walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set him off into one of his rages where he berated me verbally for hours till Id have a migraine and be on the floor crying in the fetal position just wanting him to stop, and then he would switch gears and comfort me when I reached that state. It was a Mind Fuck

I did contact the fireman and told him what happened as a result of meeting him at the park, he was in shock and floored that I was told I was cheating and reamed over that.

And in my head, being naive and my early 20s, I thought "I need to get out of this marriage, I need to find another guy to save me" I was so dependent and needy, I didnt see a way out, how could I afford it, no job, 2 kids, just starting an online business that gave me enough to pick up groceries or put gas in the car. My parents I didnt see as a help and no way I wanted to go back home. So I was on my own and thinking I needed to be "rescued" I met up with fireman again, an hour or so here and there on my days shopping, groceries, or whatever. I felt like I was getting accused all the time for things I wasnt doing, so who cares! And I kissed fireman, I went to his apt, he seemed to have it together, pics of his son, nice place, seemed to be okay financially. and I let him touch me, he performed oral sex on me, it was a hot summer day one of those visits, we never talked of having sex, it was just play and he was the giver, and he seemed happy too, I maybe stroked him a little but nothing more and he didnt complain or ask for more. So of course this felt like heaven, a place I could go to just escape and feel good briefly. Until I showed up unannounced one day, and he answered the door angry and with a gun in his hand scolding me for coming over like that. I was shocked and confused for this response. I even contacted him later and said "Look if your involved with someone else or there is something else going on, thats fine, just tell me, I wont be mad" but he just kept saying I cant show up like that, his reaction was scary over the top and I never went to his place again or saw him in person, just now and then chatting online.

I was also chatting more about my marriage online, and our troubles, and the nature of our marriage and had this one atheist guy whod always challenge me and my thoughts or beliefs with questions like "Well why?" or "Why not?" or when I said "You cant do this or that?" hed say "WHY?" and Id always have answers like "Because you just dont!" he would ask me why I couldnt go out and do things for myself, why so much of my husbands input. ANd he said one day "Look, if you ever get the balls to stand up for yourself and get out of there, call me" I dont think he realized I took that to heart. I logged it away in my mind, we also spoke on the phone several times, he was a nice guy and just listened to me. At this point in my life I had never been with another men(other then fireman performing oral) and I had never tasted alcohol, used drugs, partied, etc. I was a church girl all through that phase and then married.

I had told atheist guy about the beach, always wanting to go and my husbands objections.

One night at home with my husband we got into an argument, I was lying on the bed, he was over me and holding my arms down and not letting me go, I got freaked out, like panicing like a trapped animal and wriggled and jerked so hard to get loose and got one arm out and hit his other arm to let me go. He held me back down and said "Your abusing me!" and got up and grabbed the phone, told me he was calling 911 on me for hitting him. ????????? I was confused, crying, I just had just been held down against my will, but now I was wrong for fighting to get loose? He grabbed the phone and I was pleading with him No and not to call, it was a terrible Mind Fuck, my kids were asleep, and Im imagining the police arriving and handcuffing me for battery.

I really have no idea where that came from that night and thats when things started to get worse. They had been gradually getting worse I just didnt realize it. I didnt understand abuse and cycles.

My husband worked out of town, commuted, worked with lots of guys on job sites, hed come home with stories now and then. "This gay guy at the college keeps coming around to me making sexual innuendos about eating hot dogs" and me being appalled, asking if hes wearing his wedding ring at work, etc, and do I need to come around?

Or a job training he went to, flew out of state, told me he talked to a woman at the bar and she gave him her room number, but that he didnt go to her room because he couldnt do that to me.

And what I have left out, when we first dated, he went to seek out a loan from a family friend for a trailer he was living in, well it was man, I was at church and met him after wards at a fast food place and he told me the guy offered him the $$ for the loan but that he would have to have sex with him for it. I Was shocked and said "Ewwwww!" he said "Yeah I told him I love my gf too much and I cant" and that was it. Shortly after we got married he broke down in tears and confessed to me he did have sex with him for the $$ but that the guy only gave him half, said hed have to come over again to get the rest. And to make matters worse, he sent the first half of the $$ to his step dad to put down on the trailer (it was his prior and was going to be repoed) well his step Dad blew it on drugs.... so he was upset and I felt sorry for him, and forgave him and felt he was being open and honest with me, so how could I not forgive him?

But all of these things were going on since the beginning but I didnt take notice or realize he had sexual compulsions and I felt he only kept that at home for me. Meanwhile Im this bad wife over here trying to be good.

Another wknd fight, and I took off, grabbed a small bag, I had $50 and nothing more, I drove in the dark about an hour from home and got to a pay phone and called Atheist guy and said "I stood up for myself" and he said "OH Shit! Where are you?" and he gave me directions to his place.. He was shocked. It was the middle of the night, he had a gf, but they had a strange relationship and she was hardly around and didnt live with him. I laid in his bed with him and he held me. We kissed. It was getting near morning and his phone started to ring, over and over and his machine picked up and it was my husband! He went through the phone bills, found his number. I had never been away over night or left during a fight before. It was a friday night and I knew husband was home all wknd and kids were cared for, I just had to get back home by monday for him to go to work. I just needed space to even think.

But the calls kept coming, atheist guy answered finally and he told him I was there, and I was okay, I said I was getting a hotel, and that was it. I didnt want to look bad staying with a guy, next thing my best friend is calling atheist guys phone and the leader of our Moms church group, then my MOM! And them saying "Dont abandon your babies" ????? I have no idea what all he told everyone but I was being hit with guilt and shame from all angles. I did say to my Mom "You dont know whats been going on, Im not abandoning my children, I just had to get out of there"

Atheist guy said "Cmon Im taking you to do all the things you cant do " and he took me to the coast line, to a place for my first alcoholic drink and then we sat on the rocks by the water. It was nice.

I got a hotel and he came over and we kissed again, grinding clothed against one another and he came in his pants, and well that was that! I went home and of course got yelled at. Atheist guy was even saying he could help me if I needed a place, I could stay there and get on my feet and he was okay with kids, and it gave me a nice feeling to know I had a backup.