Gentleman ♀

What The Hell Vinny?

FUCK!

What the hell? I- don’t even know anymore, dude! So I was at DQ right? Like I said I was going to be? There was Olivia, Vinny, Michael, and I. We got some ice cream, did some homework, and watched a bit of this “run the gauntlet” thing (don’t look it up if you’re sensitive to… anything whatsoever. It’s gruesome) and just kinda did friend stuff. Eventually Athena showed up and she hung out there too. Athena is a girl that used used to go to my old elementary school but she wasn’t in excel. She was one of the two people who played Donkey in Shrek the musical. We hung out for a while but eventually everyone had to leave and it was just me and Athena left. We talked about Michaels… specialness, school, and how nice Vinny’s mom is. It was cool…

But! Then she gave me a tilted-head-smile-look-thing and asked me if Vinny told me. I was so confused, I thought she might’ve been talking about Olivia and him but I wasn’t sure so I asked what she was talking about. After a little more “he didn’t tell you?”’s she said “about me and him?” I didn’t want to believe it. “What do you mean” I asked her. Then she told me that- get this-

HER AND VINNY ARE DATING NOW!!!

What the hell!? I told her that no, he didn’t tell me, and she looked a little upset. I’ll admit I feel kind of bad. I just kind of stood there for a second fumbling with my words, called Vinny a little shit, then went back to fumbling with my words. I asked if they got together during the musical and she said yes, the last day. Vinny got with Athena before he even broke up with Olivia! Damn… anyways she was surprised that he didn’t tell me and said the at they told other people. I was both dumbfounded and not surprised that he didn’t tell me. I told her that no one in our friend group knew and she looked upset and a bit confused but another of us said anything. She asked me not to tell him that I knew and I promised I wouldn’t say anything. I told her I’ll wait for if / when he ever tells me.

Eventually her mom came and we started talking about hanging out sometime. Her mom suggested bowling or ice skating and I agreed to go if they ever invited me. After we both went home Athena texted me about going bowling this weekend with her, Ari, Vinny, and the two people playing Shrek. After figuring out plans, we decided on Sunday at noon. I also realized how much of a bitch I was being so I told her

“ Also, I don’t know how much you care but don’t take it personally that Vinny didn’t tell me/us/our friend group thingy. Don’t tell him I said this but he’s just a ball of nerves and we’re all good friends with Olivia so he probably just didn’t know if we’d be mad or something”

She said she was a just a liiiiiiiittle stressed and I told her that I was sorry for being inconsiderate. I explained my situation relating to just finding out about Vinny’s last relationship happening right under my nose and said that for what it’s worth, they make a cute couple. She thanked me and that was the end of it.

I don’t know how to feel again! On one hand, I want to be pissed. Why doesn’t he feel like he can trust me? Why can he tell other people but not me? Am I not important enough to him to get updated of big things!? Am really I just another kid he waves at in the hallway? I just want to yell at him! Ask him why he keeps lying to me and why I’m not as important to him as he is to me! I know I keep saying this but he’s really one of my best friends, like a brother, but this kid is like- breaking my heart or something. I just want his trust, I know I’m a bitch sometimes but it’s always a joke and he should know I’m there for him. I’m so mad!

But on the other hand, it’s none of my business. I mean, it’s kind of my business in the sense that he’s my best friend but he has the right to keep secrets from me. I shouldn’t care. It’s his life, his girlfriends, his choice. I don’t need to know and he doesn’t need to tell me. I should be respectful of his privacy. He’s probably stressed about it anyways. Like I said, he probably thinks I’m gunna hate him and side with Olivia or some shit.

BUT GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT HIM HOW HE SHOULD TRUST ME AND NOT KEEP SECRETS! I want to be all passive aggressive and shit saying things like ‘besties huh?’ and hinting that I know without flat out saying it. I WANT TO SO BAD!!! But I won’t because I’m a good person… okay maybe not a good person but I'm at least a half decent friend… right?

Who am I kidding, this is just basic friend shit. Not being passive aggressive, being honest, keeping secrets, normal stuff that all friends should do. And I’m not even being honest myself! I’m lying to myself! I don’t tell them how I feel, I say I’m fine with it, which I am, but I’m also upset that they lie to me! I lie to them about them lying to me! I hate this! I’m such a bad person.

I just want to ask Vinny what I did wrong. Why he thinks he can’t trust me. Is it because I was a bitch to him when we first met? Is it because I tease him now? Am I just delusional in thinking that we’re close friends? Maybe I’m just another kid he waves to in the halls. A friend of a friend of a friend. I’m not special, I’m just a bitch he sits with at lunch.

I can’t deal with this right now, I’m gunna go rant to someone on discord again. I can’t believe I had to go through this twice in one month, fuck this shit. Buh bye.

~ Gentleman