Here We Go
What do we know about it? What did we learn growing up? What was our education?
Child born in the 70s, we didnt talk about sex, no parent talks, no names for parts, my exposure was free cable tv on the little tv my parents put in my room with the turn dial. On wknds now and then there was free HBO and Cinemax. Thats how I was exposed to adult movies, Porkys, Electric Blue are 2 things in my memory. Revenge of the Nerds.
I also had a thing as a child to want to play house but be the pet, have a pet bed, we were kids, probably under age 12 during this time? Id like to have mean owners, Id tell my girlfriend "Be the mean Mom" if I was the kids or pet dog.
I had a talk at one of our girl scout type meetings and one in gradeschool, but both of those seemed silly to be honest. One was to explain a penis and the vagina on a dry erase board. The other a mom attended and when they got talking about menstruation she said how awful it was and waking up in the night and ruining her bedsheets.
My best friend, who was LDS, she always was ahead of me, she talked about sex, she had names for body parts, she got her bra and period first, she shaved my legs first, etc. We used to play dolls and during a sleep over at her house, we had a dance for our dolls, which turned into a kink fest, I didnt know any of this stuff, and we were in her bedroom on the floor on her rug, it was the dance floor, she went all out, the music, string lights, etc. Well it turned out to be a doll f party, and not a nice one, the bad boy doll was tying up the girls and fing them "Which my friend called "Honga donga" and just said those words and moved the boy doll up and down on the girl. We played for hours, it was really like a bdsm doll dance party and it was thrilling. And from there, all play with dolls and toys turned into this, mostly on my own. I mean Barbie is a hooker right? Look at her body, look at her clothing, it was always getting her all fixed up to have sex with Ken or Derek. We also found a gay porn mag in the desert, male gay. And this was early 80s so this wasnt something we knew much about as 2 little girls. But I remember a bunch of guys lined up in a row fing eachother type pic. She brought it home and put it in her playhouse, it was thrilling and we also were grossed out by it. This was also around the time Madonna posed nude, that magazine was in the desert, hidden for various kids to come peek at. We took a peek at Madonna, all I remember is I think she had hairy armpits?
We had a cable box in Dads room that could be locked and it had playboy channel but scrambled, but you could still capture a little peek, and hear lots of heavy breathing and moaning. I was in high school by this point. Another thing my best friend talked about was the jets at the public pool, she was put her groin up against them and say it felt good, no shame, she just said these things. So I tried it in our jacuzzi tub when I was in high school, and it worked! I fantasized about my teen heart throb star and had an orgasm with the tub jets. I had one rocking on the ends of the ottoman chair in the room with the cable box.
I didnt talk about sex, didnt have anyone I talked to about it. My best friend and I parted ways in high school, different schools. And I was in a private religious school, but didnt have a religious background, my Dad just wanted me in a safe place. I met my new friends here and thus became a Born again christian by the time I was 16. So I didnt date boys and all of that really prior to this, it was the 80s and the beginning of the heavy push towards purity culture, but it was still pretty tame. So I was at youth group, church, camps, you name it, and I loved it, I had a place to belong, loved my youth pastor and teachers, really did love that time in my life at the Baptist church in high school. It was very innocent. And there were the cute church boys, the numbers were small, the girls many more then boys, and they had plenty to pick from. So I just had a crush on that one boy, pretty boy looks, sports, with a naughty twinkle, but he was always into some other girl, mostly the girls we met on our church planting trips, he always went for the girls not local. At my high school, it was different, I was just a step above nerd Id classify myself and our group. My parents had money but I was never bought cool clothing or had the money to get it. So I felt self concious often about my clothes, and I didnt have a mom who talked to me about hair cuts, makeup, anything, so I had to figure it out on my own, buying cheap things at Pic N Save to use for makeup and hair. I didnt have a real hair cut at a salon until later high school and nobody knew how to deal with my hair then (kinky/curly/white girl) You either had straight hair or big 80s hair, which I went with the later, my hair looked more Bon Jovi like.
I started to meet boys though during this time, i had braces, UGH and they were the metal ones. But they were often puppy love type things, well from my end. I just wanted a boyfriend, someone to hold my hand. Someone to "Love" me. Whatever I though that was. I honestly wasnt thinking about sex. My masturbating was very sporadic and very secret, only something I knew about.
There was the boy whod call me who I met at my gfs and road in the back of a car with him, he was so cute, hispanic, lived over an hour away and would call me time to time to talk on the phone in the eve. He had dated another girl and told me about having sex with her on the floor of an empty house. I just listened.
Then there was the other boy I met at the same gfs house, and he was all asking about me, it was thrilling to meet people from other schools, he called me on the phone and asked me to be his gf. I said yes. I was excited! We went and met at the library, safe way to get to go meet a boy and get your parents to drop you off. After a wk of phone calls and the library meet, he says to me "Well, there comes a time in everyones life when people show how they feel about the person they are with, do you?" he somehow made it known to me he was talking about sex and I said "NOOOOOOO, I dont do that, Im a christian." and he replied "Oh, good, me either" He broke up with me the next day.
Then there was the school dance, in high school I wasnt hit on by guys in my class. All us girls attended the dances in our girl huddle and just had a good time laughing and dancing, but rarely with a boy we were interested in. Well this particular night, I got asked to dance, by the DJ of the dance, and it was 2 slow songs back to back and he didnt let me go after the first song (Richard Marx) and of course my boyfriend dreams, this made me swoon and feel so loved getting held onto like that. My girlfriends in the gym bleachers stomping their feet and cheering when I looked their way in the dark gym. This was a first for me. He was tall, brown hair, cute, sweet. And then the song was over and he went back to the DJ booth. After the dance as we walked to the car (My mom was picking us all up in the station wagon) he followed us out, walked up and asked for my phone #. Omgosh my friends squealed and I was so embarrassed as my Mom was there. She said nothing, and I didnt want her to even know I liked a boy! The thought of my mom talking to me about anything was YUCK.
He called me, came to my house with his friend, he was a little older, could drive, had a car, sat in my driveway with his arms around me, and we just hung out with his chubby guy friend making jokes and convo. He invited me to the arcade and we had fun. He went to kiss me, and I had never been kissed really, and I bumped his nose, got all self conscious and embarrassed, I didnt know how! I remember doing the "Kiss the back of your hand" thing that eve at home as I never learned and how do I learn to kiss a boy?
Things fizzled out, we were never officially a couple, we never had a big talk it was over, I think he just realized I was a little too young and innocent and moved along.
I went to the movies one night with my gf, we used to walk to the theatres near our home and our parents would pick us up after wed call from the pay phone, but if I slept over at my one gfs house, divorced mom, who would leave her alone, those nights we did whatever we wanted, we walked home in the dark. We met up with the one boy and his crew (the one who asked me to be his gf and dumped me after the sex talk) He was with a girl and 2 other guys who came to sit with us in the theatre, the guy kept trying to touch my thigh, I didnt know him, he looked kinda greasy, his hair, and I just kept pinning his hand down to keep it from moving. After we went over to this house with them all, and my gf got into it with the guy who "dated" me as he started calling her a slut, and she was ready to leave. We walked out and the boy who kept trying to touch me asked me for a kiss. I didnt want too and he was begging me PLEASE. I was a good girl, a people pleaser, and so I said Okay, he went right in with tongue. EWW? I pushed him back and said his name, and left. I was grossed out by it and had no interest in the guy at all.
So I would return back to my world of school, church groups, distant crushes on church boys and teen actors.
Until that night, Ugh,, when I met him. Its my fault, I pointed him out, we were cruising around, 4 of us girls on a friday night with nothing to do, church girls, just playing the radio and my 1 friend now with a car driving us around. I spotted this guy in a truck, and pointed at him and my gf decided to turn around and follow him, he drove to the park, it was dark, and we pulled in, he got out and said he was there to play volleyball, so we went over with him, a few minutes into talking to him, 2 of my other gfs said "Hes all yours" as they didnt find him appealing, and my other gf (the one with the divorced mom) he was into her and they were flirting that eve. So by the end of the night they were all oogling eachother, not sure how long that lasted, but she literally said "You can have him, he has fish lips" and I said "give him my number" and he began calling me, CALLING me over and over again, pestering calls, "What are you doing? COme go here with me! Yes you can! YOu just dont know it yet!" Hed say when Id decline over and over. Hed show up unannounced at my house, he followed me and my gf he kissed one night and got mad at me in a store as he walked in and said I lied as I blew him off to go out. Id talk to him on the phone or invite him to church youth group, but that was it. I was "into" him but he was weird, charasmatic, silly, fun. He stood out, he bleached his hair and looked like a surfer, not typical of anyone in church or my high school and he was 18 (I was 16)
He wanted to date me but I kept giving him the friend speech. Plus I was counseling with my pastors about "Missionary dating" as they called it, and how I needed to be equally yoked to a christian boy. OHHHH, okay, so if I find a boy who is saved and loves Jesus, the green light for a relationship! Got it! (very naive thinking but that was my reality) Well after him pestering my other best friend over and over as to why I wouldnt date him, she told him about my faith and beliefs, Well guess who now had a story of getting Saved? Yeah just a month before our meeting said he went to church cause of a girl and got saved but she broke up with him but he kept attending. So we went back and forth to eachothers youth groups. And he invited me to a prayer night and held my hand, and I thought "This is it! The church boy!" and thats how it started.
I was a virgin, who had only kissed and not very good at that.
Well surfer boy within a wk or so had his hands under my shirt in my parents living room as we watched a movie on the floor, I had a curfew and he had to leave by midnight. I wasnt expecting this, I didnt like it I didnt want it, but I froze as he fondled me under the blanket, when he got up to leave, I cried after I shut the door, called him the next day and told him I cant be doing that and that its wrong, and he said "Oh yeah I agree, Im sorry, wont happen anymore" and I thought GREAT! All is well in the world! We can now have a great relationship. HA!! (naive, church girl)
I dont even know how it all started, we did kiss heavily and I didnt have any issue with that, well one night he drove me out to the middle of nowhere , dirt roads, and made a campfire, not sure if we had snacks/food, I was wearing pantyhouse and white stretch pants with slip on shoes. He took down my pants in the truck, and I cant describe it, but I just didnt say anything, I also didnt know what he was going to do. I just went along. He performed oral sex on me, I felt naughty and sinful, I didnt know what to say or do, he spent a lot of time on me, and all I could do was utter jibberish that didnt make sense. It was pleasurable but also wrong and thus became my world.
Me constantly saying "We cant do this or that" him agreeing, me crying, me praying to Jesus for forgiveness, OVER AND OVER again. And in the meantime, I didnt see the red flags with this guy, he dives in with a girl whos 16 and wants to try everything on her that she says she cant be doing and he goes to church with her. He prays with her and apologizes but does it again and again, only each time he tries more.
Pulling my tampon out of me, fingering me, inserting all sorts of objects inside of me, biting my nipples, he brought me to orgasm and teased me for long periods of time but then brought in kink to it. I was all sorts of messed up, thinking I love this guy, but confused by my morals and also why was he acting one way on the outside but alone with me he was all about fooling around.
I ended up confiding in a guy at a place I took the kids I did child care for, that I was involved but not happy sexually with what I was doing and the guy was older, hit on me and I broke up with my surfer bf and went to hang out with this guy even older, who would kiss me and allow me to rub on top of him but nothing else, he told me "He and his buddy only wanted to marry virgins" and I talked about Jesus and church and played him christian music. My Surfer ex wouldnt accept this, he followed me, stalked me, showed up at the guys work yelling at me "I thought you were a christian!" hed say in this shameful tone like it was wrong I was seeing someone else? He squealed his car tires in the parking lot, he also followed us and sat outside at night honking his horn of the guys place, over and over. The guy said "Im going to have to call the police if he doesnt quit" and my ex put a note on my windshield of my car and left. I went out to get it and it said "Im sick, Im going to the hospital" I showed the guy Im with and he said "You should go" and I did,,, my ex was in the waiting room sitting there, and looking back now, I know he wasnt sick, he didnt even check in, it was just manipulation and it WORKED. I sat with him for a bit that evening and talked. He continued to follow me. WIth another guy and girl and asked me to talk to them, this couple told me things about the guy I was seeing that he had "R" a girl. Well that scared me terribly and I made sure to get my things at his place the following day, acted like all was normal and never came back. ANd I ended up right back with Surfer boy, sitting in his trailer singing worship songs in the dark.
I resigned from ministry because of the guilt of fooling around with him, meanwhile he didnt seem phased by it (he was teaching youth also in the organization) I went and spoke to my youth pastor about us fooling around. I read every bible vs on lust, sex, fornication trying to work my way through this. ANd it seemed the Bible said it was better for a man to marry then to burn with lust. And we ended up in a new church, where the pastor became like a surrogate dad to my ex, who he exploited for free labor. This pastor told us the Bible was clear, to get married or knock it off.
We were now having sex, I started to allow intercourse once I was 18, he was now 20. But I still was riddled with guilt and wanting to have sex both at the same time. During a college bible study I expressed how hard it was to control with our peers and word got back to the pastor who my ex claimed came and grabbed him in his office by the shirt collar and told him to get married or leave the church. We got married in 6 mos. THe pastor bragged his required 12 wks of premarital counseling in his church services for all couples . We had a questionaire to do, I did all of it, surfer bf didnt, we showed up for the first session and the pastor said "You guys already know all this" and made us feel like we were so good and spiritual that he didnt even need to cover all the stuff with us and said we didnt need to do the 12 sessions, and that was IT! We married. We had been dating for close to 4 yrs. I thought all would be good in Gods eyes once we got married and could have sex.
NOPE! It seemed like once we got married, my desire went POOF! I had little interest in sex, I think now looking back, its the mindshift, you go from thinking its BAD and that plays into the thrill of it, and now your allowed to do this?? I thought I had no sex drive and it was a punishment for fooling around before marriage. I would lay there, asking him if he was done, it would hurt sometimes as I was tense and he didnt care, and Id feel used. Sex was once or twice a month and him usually wearing me down to make it happen. I got pregnant with our first child in that first yr.
I did natural family planning classes to learn my cycle and when I was fertile, I wasnt big on taking pills, etc and so I charted when I was fertile and wasnt, and it worked for me, BUT, my surfer husband always liked to do things we shouldnt, I was in my fertile phase about 6 mos after having our child and knew I was fertile and he kept touching me and begging me to have sex. He was adverse to condomns and terrible about pulling out in time. ANd well, I got pregnant with our second and know exactly when it happened as I was in the bathroom after he came inside of me trying to push it all out saying "I dont want to be pregnant again now!" But I was.
2 kids, my life was now a stay at home Mom of 2, womens church groups, mommy groups with all us moms and kids.