Gentleman ♀

My Family's... Dysfunctional...

Heyyyyyyy,

Just a warning, this entire entry is going to be super dramatic. I doubt I’ll lie but I’m mad and sad and all sort of confused so you’ll just have to stick with me for now.

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. My family is a shithole. We all have horrible anxiety, ADHD, and horrible anger issues, and it’s fucking us all over. Today we were looking for my guitar book that I lost and I got angry that my mom was looking through my room so I nudged her towards the door with my shoulder and she screamed at me full force. I’m not even mad. But that’s not the end. I went to go look for it in the car and while I was walking there she yelled at me for pushing her so I called her an idiot and that bitch grabbed me by the neck and pushed me against the coat rack. I ended up coming back in and not finding it so I went to my room. She ended up telling me that she was taking my door off (a story for later) but I wasn’t having it so I closed and locked the door. She was banging on it and telling me to let her in but I persisted… for about a minute, then I let her in. She ended up yelling at me then telling me to sit on my bed so we could talk. I was pissed and being petty so I said no. We ended up yelling more then she she told me to sit down or she’d make me. I told her to do it… she did it. She just grabbed me and tried to give me to sit on the bed. I ended up on the bed kicking her and yelling for her to “get off me” like twice. When I say I’ve never cried so hard I mean it. I want even crying that hard but I don’t cry more than a few tears, like, ever, so the bars not too high. I could feel my chest twitching, forcing me to take jagged breaths. It was kinda weird.

Anyways, she ended up sitting against my door, trapping me in my room and yelling at me more. We had a kinda civil conversation but she still wasn’t letting me go. I told her it was my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed her, I shouldn't have called her an idiot, I shouldn’t have called her out, and I shouldn’t have dared her to make me sit. After that, I shoved my way out of a hug from my dad and got in the shower where I just kind of cried. Side note: I’ve been crying in the shower a lot lately. It’s kinda weird since I don’t usually cry but it feels sorta good so idk. I just stand there crying and hugging myself, maybe swaying a little? It’s pathetic but whatever. Back to the story, after I got out we talked and hugged and all that shit, and we said we were sorry but it’s still not really okay. She told me she hates herself, I told her I know, then she told me how she and my dad never recovered from when they almost divorced. Shit. I mean, it was kinda obvious but that was like two years ago! At this point, I’d be happy even if they did divorce! Jeez! I told her that she’s too sensitive and Dad's too insensitive and they both need to go to that couple's therapist again. We both agreed that she'll have to physically make my dad go (haha funny) but it'll probably maybe sorta work. At least it's better than what we're doing now.

The kinda funny thing about all of this is that I knew how my mom would react to everything. I knew she'd grab me by the neck when I called her an idiot and I knew she really would force me to sit down. I think I like the adrenaline kick and dopamine that comes with it. When I'm really mad I turn into a narcissistic bitch. I get sarcastic and cocky and I feel alive. It's not a good trait but it's true. I'm to the point now where I just make fun of anyone who's arguing. I sing the daycare theme (from FNAF SB) to my parents fighting in front of me and I point out the habits of anyone opposing me. I'm hopeless and I love it.

About the door thing, yeah, she thinks that taking my door off my room is a suitable punishment! I know she googled if it was a good idea afterward and I know that all the websites said it was a bad idea but she doesn't care. According to her "privacy is a privilege" in her house. Fuck that! I'm a thirteen-year-old girl, you can't take my door away! And it's not even the first time she's done it before either! She's so out of control that once Hailey even jumped out the fucking window! To be fair, everyone agrees that she overreacted but the point is that my mom made her do that. Apparently, my mom backed her into her room and when she said she'll jump out the window my mom called her bluff... It wasn't a bluff. She jumped out the fucking window. My life is like if hell was a dysfunctional middle school drama / soap opera. It's great.

I'm tired, there's a lot more to complain about... but also sleep? I'll probably complain more anyways, I wasn't even in the mood to write TUT Goodnight!

~ Gentleman