I Hate Middle School
This entire entry should just be filled with random thoughts. Nothing too relavant to my life rn but nothing too detached either. This’ll probably just be an unfinished entry filled with word vomit so enjoy I guess.
Soooooo, what if I died. Like tonight, in my sleep? What would everyone think? How would they feel? How long would everyone mourn me? Would they even care? I might not be the most important person in anyones life but I see some of my friends almost every day to hang out and talk. Would they say my name over the announcements at school like they did for that kid with cancer? Or would they just let everyone wonder? Would any of my friends cry? Would they pray to me? Would they be more honest with me if I were dead? What would happen to my stuff? My physical diaries? My favorite stuffed animal? My school computer? What regrets would anyone have about me? How often would they think about me? Would anyones life even significantly change if I weren’t in it?…
What does everyone think about me? Like really? Who sees me as stupid or incompetent? Who (if anyone) thinks higher of me than they let on? Does Kiarra really feel bad about no one like liking me? Does Vinny actually hate it when I tease him? Does Olivia actually see me as someone good with emotions? Am I right about me being a disappointment to my family? Do my teachers think I’m dumb? What am I missing out on and what other secrets are my friends keeping from me?
A little less of a dark tone, I love it when people leave comments in my fanfiction. People have complemented me on how I write certain characters, the topics I write about, and thy they’ve even asked me for more! Every time I see one I get so happy I can barely contain it. It’s like fireworks and flowers are bursting and blooming in my heart. It makes me want to jump up and down and squeal like a little girl. I guess it makes me feel like I’m doing something right.
What will I be like when I’m older? Will I live to be older then I want to now? Will I end up dying super young? What about my friends? Who will I stay friends with and who will I leave? Oh my god, some of the kids I know right now will be dead by the time we’re forty. Hell, some of them’ll die before we’re thirty. Some of them will do drugs, some of them will will get rich, and some will (honestly) probably do both. Am I going to be well off or poor? What’ll my interests be? What about my friends? Will I still be friends with Vinny and Olivia and Riley and Kiarra? What about Avery and Michael or anyone else I don’t see that often? Will I reconnect? What if collage and life after school breaks us apart? I don’t want to be like my parents and uncle Tim. Practically calling each other siblings but only seeing each other once every few months to get drunk or something. I want to be close with them, go on lunch dates and walks around the block no matter how old we are.
What is my ideal future like? I guess I’ll start with the basics, I’d want my job to be some sort of therapist or phycologist. I think the human brain is interesting and helping people figure out how theirs works sounds amazing. Obviously I’d want to be well off. I wouldn’t mind not being super rich but at least enough to get by comfortably. For a SO I don’t really care about gender. I guess that lines up with me being pan, kind of reassuring or, like, finalizing (?) to know that my ideal SO doesn’t have a set gender. Anyways, there’s no way we’re having a kid. Whether it’s cause we both have *ahem* lady parts, or because I refuse to go through that uncomfortable, gross shit. No biological kids! But an adopted kid would be nice. Maybe a teen or tween or anyone that’s not a baby and in need of a parent really. I like little kids. Enough… Jkjk, I love them as long as they’re not so annoying that it’s overwhelming. According to everyone who knows McKenna I have “high tolerance”.
I’ve gotta go to sleep now. If you’re seeing this and it’s past 10:30 the this is a sign for you to sleep too. I guess I can’t really force you to though, so whatever you decide, I wish you a nice cup of coffee tomorrow morning. Write again soon!