Gentleman ♀

Angry??? Not Angry??? Upset??? Confused.

Hey,

I don't know how I feel right now. I feel like all my friends are mad at me and I'd honestly kill to be with them right now just so I can convince myself that they're not mad. But I'm in math rn and I'll have to wait at least an hour and 15 minutes to see them. Thinking about this makes me physically sick and it's a weird feeling. I don't usually get physically sick from anything (that's not just being sick... or *ahem* girl stuff) let alone anxiety. It feels like I'm walking on a cloud or slightly above the ground. Like I'm not really here. I don't know if I can tell Vinny what I said in my last entry. I don't want it to seem insincere because I'm all out of it. I already told him he can come to me anyways so I guess if he really needs me he knows. I just feel like telling him in real life would really drive the point home. He's got a lot going on lately anyway, maybe me being all mushy would just add to it.

If I tell him irl that he can talk to me he either takes it seriously and hopefully feels some weight get taken off his shoulders, it stresses him out that I think he should talk to me, or he thinks I'm an idiot and going soft. I don't think he'd ever actually think of me as an idiot, or at least he wouldn't seriously say it to my face, but it's still stressing me out. I really wish none of this happened. Everything was going so well after the last performance but then my life just had to get all fucked up didn't it? They just had to be dating right? I was getting closer with Vinny, getting closer with Olivia, and I was happy! I'd even settle for them just not telling me! What I don't know can't hurt me right? So fuck it! They can deal with it themselves!...

I'm sorry, I don't mean that whatsoever. I want to be there for my friends' whether it ruins what we had going on or not. I'm such a sucky person for even considering regretting letting them talk to me. I just always feel like something's not right and every once in a while god gives me a day or two to feel real again then snatches it back with another week or eight of anxiety. If I weren't so fucking stubborn I'd have been sick of it long ago. I mean, I'm sick of it, but I'm not gunna kill myself anytime soon so obviously not sick enough. My goal is to go deaf by like 50 if I even live that long then die or something idrk. Blast music in my ears as loud and for as long as possible then die. Maybe I'll open a cat cafe or write a book or become a therapist. Phycologist? I've got too many goals to die now, too much good music to listen to :/

This is kind of really off topic but I'm at a standstill in events today so Imma talk about it anyways. I miss summer. It's getting close to spring but it's not close enough. I want warm weather and music blasting in my ears while I go on a walk. Maybe with one of my friends, maybe alone, maybe with the dog. I want to go swimming in a pool, I want to have a bonfire, I want to go on vacation. I'd like to just take a day to plant my tomato garden and when they're ready to pick some with my friends while we hang out on my back porch. I mentioned last entry how I went to the gas station with Vinny, Riley, and Kiarra right? Well, after Vinny went home Kiarra said that looking at me tease Vinny with his gum reminded her of Collin. That's my old neighbor who only lived there for like a year if you didn't know. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned him. We used to hang out with him a lot but his parents worked tons so he wasn't home often. Kiarra said that he was like a brother to her. It's kind of weird considering he liked Kiarra to the point where he pretended to be his ex to say they had [shrex] to make Kiarra jealous but whatever. Ignoring Kiarras weird friends, it still made me feel good.

I'm writing this part after lunch. So, I've decided not to tell Vinny that he can talk to me again. Olivia seems more comfortable around him and he's been happy since they broke up so I think things are gunna go back to normal. I obviously expect a setback or two when it comes to getting back to normal but I think things are gunna be alright. I still plan on doing Vinnys nails soon though. After I decided to leave it alone I asked if I should bring the nail polish into school for him, he said he wanted fake nails. I'm not sure if he knows how to do fake nails though so I don't know how he plans to do them. Maybe he'll have his sister or mom do them? I'm gunna text him after school and ask. If he dosen't know how to do them then I always could UuU. I think it would be fun. My mom might be a liiiiiiittle suspicious of him but whatever. That also would technically be the first time we hung out just the two of us. Kinda crazy fo rhow long we've been friends.

I'd just like to point out that I know how this might sound to someone who dosen't know me. Or even to someone who does know me. I'll say it again, I don't like Vinny. He's a LOT more like a brother. Thanks for understandinggggggggg TUT

This part is after school. We were going to go up to the gas station but we didn’t end up going since Vinny’s mom needs to be home for him to go anywhere. We’re also out of rainbow fake nails so that sucks. Other than that not much happened. Imma finish h the is entry here. Gn!

~ Gentleman