Gentleman ♀

Trust Me

Hi...

I'll admit, this whole thing has me feeling a bit depressed... Okay, maybe a bit more than a little depressed but it's stupid anyway. I wish so bad that they feel like they can trust me but they don't. I know that it's their decision and that I have no right to know anything they don't want to tell me but I can't help it. I'm such a bad person and if I can't even be there for my friends when they need me then what good things are left? I hate myself. Why couldn't I have just been better? Why can't I be better? I hate myself so much.

Lately, I've been thinking about excel and how we treated Vinny and I feel like shit. He didn't deserve that, if anyone did it was me. I feel like everything I do just makes things worse. No matter how many times Olivia says it's okay I know she's sick of me asking questions. I'm no help to anyone, I'm just stressing her out even more. None of them deserve to feel like that. I just make them miserable. I shouldn't even be alive right now... But it's not like I could kill myself, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live either. Me and Vinny were talking about that at lunch... It makes me sad to know that my friend has to feel the way I feel. And to know that chances are, a lot of it is my fault because of how I treated him makes me physically sick. This whole situation does. No wonder the kid's seeing a therapist.

I just want them to trust me. I thought Olivia did, she said she did and she gave me evidence that she did but the entire time she was lying to my face. All my efforts down the drain. I hate it so much because I feel like they should be able to and want to tell me anything, but I know I'm completely in the wrong. They have every right to keep secrets and it stresses me out. I want to know everything about them so badly that it's getting fucked up. You don't understand how badly I NEED to know what's going on right now. It's so horrible and selfish of me. What kind of friend am I? Is it good to want to know everything about your friend or am I doing it out of control? I don't think that I want control but I'm not too sure that it's entirely out of good intentions either. After this entry, I think it's best to try and sleep it off. If I wake up and feel better, good for me, I can go back to listening to my friends. If I don't feel any better though, then I guess I should probably separate myself from everything for a while.

I promise I have good intentions most of the time but it switches out of the blue sometimes. I go from the calm, worried, helping type to the naggy, panicky, anxiety-filled wreck. I've calmed down a lot now so I guess I'm at least sort of safe to write about the rest of today then. The second half of school was pretty much the same as the first half. Vinny was happy, Olivia was quiet, and I was trying my best to make no one awkward. Apparently, Olivia told Vinny that I knew in 3rd period though, and didn't think to inform me till after school so that's kind of awkward. I guess it's not her fault though. I didn't specify that she should tell me when it happened yet.

After school, Vinny, Riley, Kiarra, and I went up to Sunoco together. We were going to go around 4-4:30 but Vinny had a therapist appointment so we postponed it till like 5:45-6:15. I guess it's good to know that he goes to a therapist but it sucks that he has enough reasons to. I know it's at least a little my fault. I was such a bitch in 4th and 5th grade. He doesn't deserve to feel as shitty about himself as I do about myself. He's a really good person, unlike me, it hurts so bad to know he feels like that. And that his mom noticed... God, what's wrong with me? What's not wrong with me? Apparently, his therapist said that he was a slow learner and that's about it. So much for accelerated.

After we went on the walk and all that, Vinny had to go home so I texted him about Olivia and him. Not the most civil, I know, but the longer I postponed it the more awkward it would be. All that really happened was, I asked "By the way, sorry if this is awkward but Olivia, like, told you right?" then he told me "Yeah we talked about that" and I said "Alright, just making sure" then "Not to be all sappy and I don't know how much you really cared about all that but I'm always here if you need me UuU". He said "thanks" and I said "of corse" then changes the subject to spaghetti v/s meatball sub. Looking back on it I was going to specify that I wouldn't judge him but I didn't and I should have. Every mistake makes way for new improvements though I guess, so now, at least I can try to say it in person hopefully without it seeming like too much.

I need to do it as quickly and as non awkwardly as possible so I think I'll make at least an outline of a plan. Whattttttttt? No, you're overthinking itttttttttt. Anyways, step one, get Vinny alone. Shouldn't be too hard, I'll just invite him over so I can do his nails in the basement or my room or something. Maybe it won't be that simple but it doesn't seem too much harder than that. I'll ask him tomorrow so we can do it tomorrow night. It should be fun if we ignore the main purpose of me inviting him over. Of course, if he says no then I'll have to rework the whole plan (probably into just me telling him in the halls or something) but if it goes well then I need to figure out what I'm gunna say. I'll write out some rough drafts for me to agonize over tomorrow and probably never use.

POINTS / IDEAS I SHOULD INCLUDE (as quickly and non awkwardly as possible)
1 - I know I said this yesterday but it means more said irl
2 - I'm not trying to be pushy
3 - I know I'm usually a bitch but I really do care and worry about him and the rest of my friends
4 - I'm always here if he needs to talk about anything
5 - I'll never judge him / pick teams
6 - I won't bring it up again unless he does

124 "Hey Vinny?" "Yeah?" "I know I said this yesterday and I don't want to seem pushy, but I meant it when I said I'm always here if you ever need to talk. About anything, not just you and Olivia."

124 "Hey Vinny?" "Yeah?" "I meant it yesterday when I said you could talk to me. About anything. I don't mean to seem pushy, I just wanted to tell you not over text."

12345 "Hey Vinny?" "Yeah?" "I just wanted to let you know that I really meant it when I said you could talk to me yesterday. I know I'm a bitch 99.999% of the time but I really do care about you guys. I'm not here to pick sides or push you to say anything you don't want to. I just thought I'd let you know."

[extra spot] "Hey Vinny?" "Yeah?" "

After I say one of these dramatic speeches he'll probably thank me but be all awkward so I should probably come up with something else to talk about. If I just tell him in the halls (which is looking more appealing every time I read it) then we can survive with some silence till he gets to class but if he comes over it won't be as simple. Things we can talk about / ice breakers,

- His nails
- My Hero Academia
- What we should do over the summer
- Specifically going to cedar point over the summer
- Good music

I feel so much better than I did when I started writing this. A lot less anxiety, panic, and crying... I hope it all goes well, I really want to keep our friendship strong, if not strengthen it. Make a good thing out of a bad thing. I've gotta go now, Pray for me TUT!

(p.s. if you made it through this whole thing then I'm so sorry. If you have the time and / or feel like it could you tell me if you think I'm doing the right thing? If not that's okay too, either way I appreciate it <3)

~ Gentleman