Nick's Journal
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2022-03-14 22:53:40 (UTC)


writing is therapeutic, like what I just wrote about this insufferable asshole who is now working with us. Jesus Christ. blood pressure going up just thinking of him. so I'm just going to write. it is better than drinking or drugs. sometimes I think about drinking or drugs. I think about using them again. falling off the hard-earned wagon I have built for myself. it is so easy to just throw it all away on a whim. it really takes a lot of willpower to remain sober sometimes.

I'm sometimes sad and I feel lonely. dating is far harder than I had anticipated. it's not that I'm not meeting people it's that I just don't feel compatible with them and I'm also not romantically inclined towards them. so I spend a lot of time walking, just being amongst people while being alone. sometimes I have bad dreams. I don't have nightmares. just bad dreams. sometimes I sleep poorly.

sometimes I think about what I've lost. sometimes I'm just so tired and so frazzled and so at the end of my rope and I think, what it is all for? it's for living this life as best as I can with what I have. with my sobriety. making a livaeable life worth living out of it.

my philosophy is nihilism (nietzche's version not big lebowski version). essentially, I believe that there is no actual truth. like take morality. there really are no universal morals. it is really just what we as people and, larger, in a society deem them to be. there is no natural law (morality of course there's physics, etc.) like take native Americans. they always say the white man took our land. but exactly how was it their land? it was their's until we took it. then it was ours. then we superimposed this structure of society which granted property rights. but those rights don't mean anything more than whatever right those Native Americans had before it was taken.

I always think about evil. like what is evil? to me, evil is inflicting pain for the sheer point of inflicting pain. that to me is evil. cruelty for cruelty's sake. what scares me more than evil is banality. just going along, not questioning, assenting. just hoping that the dirt won't touch you. removing yourself just enough so that you can keep yourself outside and above it. don't think too far into it.

I have a few friends from the Ukraine. what a travesty. this megalomaniacal asshole with nuclear weapons is destroying whole cities and people's lives and for what? does that really even matter? does the why really matter? people can always come up with a "why?" he's just a war criminal. I am all in favour of assassinations. if they had just killed hitler earlier think of all the suffering that could have been alleviated. Stalin. Mao. Putin. Xi. Sure, I now you're dying to add western heads on there too.

I always hear the refrain that "some other insane person will just fill the vacuum" and they might, eventually. but to get to that point you have to be a certain type of person and succeed a lot, i.e. get very lucky along the way. taking those fuckers out right when they get to the point of doing damage seems like a good move. no-one has replaced Saddam.

horrible humans.