Tati

f mirrors, all my homies hate them

I’m not looking in the mirror or any reflective surface until I become an adult.

I often make promises like this to myself but then some nights I forget and I look and I see and I can’t look away until I traced every line of my face, every bump and every feature I wish to tear off. Then I end up looking at my body too and wondering if maybe there was a mistake and I wasn’t actually meant to be born female because of the mix of masculine and feminine features. Or maybe I’m just ugly.
But then I think about what Dontai said about young people not even having given their body a chance and I wonder if it’s even worth living that long in something I feel to be so ugly.
So I make the promise again. Maybe after hurting this skin that caused me so much emotional pain but the promise is made either way.

I don’t hurt my own feelings. I just keep recognizing things I wish weren’t a part of me. Do I even belong to this body? In regards to the people of the world, I’m sure it wouldn’t even matter considering the lack of presence I have. If I disappeared, barley anybody would notice, and less would care. I could flicker out of existence in the middle of school and I’m sure not a single person would take notice, nobody would be there to see me leave.

Foreshadowing.

Ah yeah. No more mirrors okay? Just forget your whole appearance. Maybe become mute. Forget real people can see you or soemthing. At this point, I’m not sure I wanna exist on this plain of existence anymore. Why can’t we all just stay home and read? Or at least just me. Im sure everyone would like it that way so nobody has to see my face.

Im sure my self confidence is irreparable