I’ve been doing the bare minimum, despite making plans to do a ton, or even a little. I’ve gotten none of it done and have repeated the same cycle everyday. Wake up, make plans, do nothing, make more plans, sleep too late. I suppose I’ve only been making plans to be able to feel like I was doing something, doing enough. But truthfully, I don’t want to feel the burden of life’s responsibilities, even though they’re meant to be light. It feels like too much and I wonder where my strength has gone. I used to be much more capable and now…
Even committing myself to finishing a show has become difficult, if not impossible, for me to do. All I do is read. Read and work so very slowly. Content? I don’t know. It’s hard to know what I’m feeling other than uncomfortableness and frustration at times. My eyes are tired but my brain will be bored if I don’t read. I already slept the rest of the day away, all there is for me to do is read. Why aren’t I happy? It’s the weekend. No stressing over hw (except yes I do have hw in two classes but it’s not majorly difficult). No stressing over having to be in a social environment. No more finding a good outfit in the morning (…oh but there’s church ). All of 24 hours to read anything I want.
So why does it feel as if any and all excitement or happiness has been stolen from me and hidden away?
I look forward to going home so badly only to end up with this. What is my life. I don’t know what to do with this feeling. When I was out of bed I got bored. I’m in bed and I’m restless with everything. Eating has become mindless, a temporary dopamine bonus. Watching tv has gotten boring, something I only do while working or eating. Texting people is something I’ve come to hate. I kinda just wanna leave. This world of mine, the part that I live in and interact with, has become dull. I know I haven’t seen it all but if this is how I feel now, I bet when I get older I’ll truly rather die than keep on living.
We often stop ourselves from doing things because we’re afraid of how people will react. I stop myself from doing things because I know how I look and I don’t want other people to see me at all. In fact, I’d rather stay home for the rest of my life. What was I talking about? Bored of being home? I lied. Yeah no. School is worse. The outside world in general is worse. Rip off my face and I’ll be happy, finally.