miss mess

midlife implosions
2022-03-07 22:26:55 (UTC)

beautiful torture

more time to write than earlier, so i thought i'd try to get current.

the husband and i are now doing a once a week date nite. to be strangers with someone you've been married to for almost 20 years seems insane to me, but there is just....so...much...water...under...the...bridge. so many damn things the last 10 years that have been like a wall between us getting taller and taller. breaking it down is not easy at all. and we have both admitted that we aren't even sure that we want to. we just agreed to try, before we throw it all away for good.

having sex again on a regular basis has eliminated alot of the tension. it's crazy how not having sex can be so...loud? like an elephant in the room that won't get the hell out, even tho it's never spoken about or to. but resuming sex has made something a little easier between us. we are a little more considerate of each other...a little nicer to each other. the "quality" of the sex tho...leaves alot to be desired...as it always did. it's always over so fast, and there is nothing exciting or hot or passionate about it. it literally feels as if i'm just going thru motions because it's what "he" feels makes us better. and i guess that's what it is? i don't know. all i know for sure is that i promised myself that where he and i are concerned, i would spend this entire year doing whatever the next "right thing" is for us to become close again if that's even possible...and i will continue doing so, because i committed to it when we had our big talk (okay...when "I" talked) on new years eve.

of course...i didn't plan on cam coming back. i don't know i didn't see that coming. if anyone reading this, has read my whole journal from the start...everyone knows that he and i are NEVER done...even when we separate. we are like magnets...always, always, always pulled back together somehow.

the last i'd spoken to cam (before two weeks ago), we'd decided to go separate ways so that i could work on my marriage and he could be open to finding a relationship where all his dreams and expectations has a chance to be something real. he'd gone thru literal hell with a health issue that caused him to lose sight completely in one eye. he was waiting to be more stable for a surgery that would restore his sight. that was the end of december.

then two weeks ago, the husband and i are out at our normal friday nite place for dancing and socializing, and damned if he didn't saunter in. he was as overwhelmingly beautiful as always. instantly it was like all the air went out of the room, i couldn't hear the music anymore, and no one else in the place existed. i could only see him, feel my heartbeat thrumming thru every inch of me, and i couldn't breathe for the life of me or think in any kind of right way. he hugged everyone...just like he used to, and when he got to me, and i was pulled against him, i felt like i'd come home after being very, very lost for a very, very long time. what the hell?

i dont' even know how i got thru the whole nite, but he stayed the whole time...sitting at our table with all our normal friends...just like he used to. and every time our eyes would meet, it would be like thunder crashing thru me. laugh if you will when i describe the way he affects me...but i don't exagerate one tiny bit. this man has always had affects on me that i've never understood. i lose myself. i become part of what he's wanting...and i KNOW what he's wanting. have you ever looked into someone's eyes, and felt completely naked? that's what it's like with him. nothing is hidden. we know too much. we are too connected. and how others don't see it....i'll never know. including my husband.

we've been communicating again on a daily basis...several times a day, in our journal, which i reopened that nite when i got home, and he KNEW that i would open it after seeing him, so he was there. we've caught up on each others lives these past months. his surgery coming up. he is driving again. getting ready to return to work. he's come a long way thru a hellish, painful ordeal, and i'm so happy for that. and he knows everything on my end...everything. he knows where the place my husband and i are in, and what we are trying to do this year with our marriage. telling him that i'd given my husband an ultimatum, and would not bring in 2023 still married to him if things aren't better, gave cam instant hope that wasn't intended. this is how he loves me tho. if there is a chance...even a slim chance...he wants me. even tho i've told him he'll never fully have me even if i end up divorced because we are so different. still...he says that he'll take me any way he can have me, and so now...he's back in the position of waiting out this year to see what happens with my marriage, even tho i've told him that i want him to continue what his plan was....to stay open to other opportunities with women who can give him all the things that i can't give him. he says he only wants me...and once again, i feel such pressure, but i love him so damn much and don't pull away...even for his sake, because he's the one who came back. i didn't seek him out. i intended to stay away so that he could move on. but he says he showed up that nite, KNOWING that i'd be there, and wanting to see me...wanting me back in his life....even if only as friends.

if he weren't so much younger, (or if "I" WERE younger), it would be so much easier. i wouldn't feel like his being with me is robbing him of things he should have. but nothing has changed. he wants things that he'll never have if he settles for a me that he'll never fully have. and i guess i should explain that....

cam and i are so different that i've always known that even if i were free to be with him, i'd never live with him or marry him. the differences between us and how we like to live would make us hate each other. i'm plenty old enough to understand definite incompatibility in living circumstances. i'm old...have lived with and been married to people. he's never done either of those things. if i WERE free...i would want to spend ALOT of time with him, but never would i live with him and never again will i ever get married. these are things he wants...of course. marriage, babies. all things i can't provide.

yet...four years now...we cling to each other because what we have with each other is unlike anything either of us ever expienced. and again...i'm plenty old enough to know how true this is. why such a profound, unique connection has come to be between two people who can't really be together in life long ways....i'll never know. but here we are. and it's not going away. and i have no idea what that means.

my heart is so happy with him back in my life. it's such beautiful torture to love him. at this moment...we are taking things day to day....it's all we can do. he claims that at the end of this year, if i decide to stay married to my husband, that he will accept and be happy with me in his life as his friend, but that he doesn't want a life that doesn't include me. for all intent purposes, i feel like i need to my marriage to work....for many, many reasons that make sense and are valid, so i will stay on that quest to see if it's possible. but there's cam....right here...all the time. as deep in my heart as anyone has ever been...a part of me, no matter what happens or doesn't happen. he is my never ending story, and that scares the shit out of me.




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