kestrel

kestrel
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2022-03-04 23:08:44 (UTC)

Drunk n' Rambling: March 2022

Wow... I suppose it's when I am at my weakest that I reach out for a bottle, then reach out for women for validation.

So there are a few women in my life who I interact with on a semi-regular to regular basis. Totally interested in having in-depth yet non-committal conversations with them from time to time. Now is one of those times.

My ex-girlfriend, ex-soap-making partner is one of them. She would reach out to me whenever she was feeling low. As time has gone on, I have noticed she's reached out to me less and less. She's been spending time having discussions with a therapist. She dropped her recent ex-boyfriend who was not really a good match for her (at her own admission). So the fact she's not been chatting with me, sending me messages on occasion, calling me every week etc. is actually a -good- thing. She's growing as a person, building her own self0image into a positive image that she can look up to. That's awesome for her.

My artist friend is totally into me on what is very likely a physical level, while at the same time she and I connect in terms of values and aesthetics. Not interested in a physical relationship with her, but she and I spent a fair amount of this past November and December trading racy text messages with one another regarding intimate subjects. That was tremendous fun. However she's dealing with some family-related issues that essentially monopolize her time and energy, sapping her ability and energy for our messages. Not gonna hold that against her, at all.

There's a coworker of mine who is a fair bit younger but we get along well. As I'm leaving the day job soon, I wanted to hang out with her a bit before I left. We have lunch set up for next weekend. I feel a bit foolish and/or creepyabout sending her a text message earlier this evening to see if she wanted to chat about "non-work-related stuff." It was foolish of me to do, really. But it's done now and all I need to do next time I'm in touch with her is apologize. I imagine it could be taken solely as a creepy maneuver. I can't think of any alternative to, "Damn, that guy's a creeper."

Maybe that's me projecting. I simply want to have conversations of a flirty manner with women I know. No serious emotion involved. No commitment involved. Part of it is the fact I'm heading out of town in literally a month and a half. Part of it is the idea that I don't feel too desirable, honestly. But in general I am not interested in a serious relationship. It would be more about appreciation of the woman, at this point.

Were I to be vulgar, I'm not even seeking out like a handjob or anything. Recently I've been fantasizing - I suppose - of women who want to be close to me, to let us hold one another, and keep one another close. That's not even relationship material. Consciously I'm avoiding the notion of a relationship as I'm leaving town soon. But appreciating a woman on an aesthetic, idealist level is what I think I'm preoccupied with at the moment. But what woman would want that, really? There's no future, no longevity in that.

I've been looking to women's validation from a strictly selfish perspective. I want to show them appreciation and let them know that they are legitimately appreciated beyond their physical appearance.

I think men are jerks. And I'm one of them.


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