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My heart is beating in my head. The cold has spread to my leg.
Am I so pathetically dependent on the company of others that I’ve been affected by loneliness? A desire for companionship. Disgusting to see it, to feel it, coming from me. Of all people. I mourn for myself. The life I could’ve had. The person I could’ve been. The opportunity that could’ve, would’ve, should’ve been taken and that I will miss in the future. Because I simply couldn’t bear to exist.
What could a friend even do? Not a single thing. Nothing at all. No. People cannot solve your problems- oh wait, i wouldn’t know would I? No. I don’t have anyone who would even want to share the heavy burden that is myself. Nobody who would want me. No. Nobody at all.
I’d say it’s better to go about things this way than to face rejection, if only I didn’t know that my attitude will always lead me to failure. And I’ll always say “I’ll die anyway” and pass it off but nothing is meant to go my way.
But I don’t know the future. I only know I have no patience. I know of how vain I am. How unattractive I must be to others who perceive my attitude, my face, my feelings, my ‘style’ or lack thereof. But it’s fine. I’ll die soon anyway.
I think I originally came on my phone to beg for friends. But online friends can only do so much in the end. I know this to be true, at least for myself.
You never know if anyone actually cares.