Slowly descending into madness
2022-03-03 14:14:07 (UTC)

First time weed

Okay so 2 days ago, I actually did weed. The moment I sent him a text, figure out what you want and tell me is the moment I decided I will do whatever I want. And I smoked half a joint.

If you ask me how's the experience, I'll say OMG HOW DO PEOPLE EVEN GO BY BEING SOBER? wtfffff???? I don’t ever want to be sober again. And this is probably why I kept myself away from this, knowing how easily I can be addicted.

After smoking a joint, my happy chemicals in my brain started working, I started laughing and started saying hi to everyone at the campus. Then I sat down and I cried. I think weed makes you feel intensely. Whatever you're feeling, it'll double up.

In the meantime he called once, I cut the call. Then I actually responded. I don’t remember one single thing I said. So I reread the texts. Damn I'm such a goddamn liar.

My period started today, and I am experiencing excruciating pain. Whenever I feel it, I always want to resort to someone since I was a child. But he didn’t want to call. And honestly I understand he's going through a lot as well. He doesn’t have the energy to babysit me. It gets hard for him. I may not be able to make it better for him, certainly not making it worse for him.

And it's also okay if he doesn’t feel for me the way I do. I can keep my distance. So what if I'm not enough for him? I can always get high and stop hurting for a hours. Isn’t that ultimately what we want out of life? To stop hurting somehow? I can go by, even it means destroying myself. Still I just hope he stays well. I may not be enough for him, he's enough for him, and the fact that I'm not gonna be a burden to him makes me feel better.

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