TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2022-02-22 22:33:07 (UTC)

Relationships Chapter 100

HIM and I are pretty much over. Things have degraded to a point where the idea of talking to him makes me dread. I understand people going through hard times, and my attempts to be supportive and understanding haven't made much of a dent. He seems completely self absorbed, and never asks me what I am up to or how I'm doing. I get one word answers or silence from him. I'm weary of it. Why waste any more of my time, energy and emotional energy on someone who doesn't seem to give a shit anyway?
Still, you invest your time in someone and you don't want to see it end. I never like to see the ending of friendships, romantic or otherwise. When I create that bond...whatever it entails...it ends up being a part of me. Even when things aren't the best (or not for the best) it's hard to let go. I'm glad I never let myself love this guy because I would be hurting so much more. I feel regret and sadness and resignation. Not sure it's worth trying to salvage.
A previous ex is somewhat back in my life. It's not for the best. He has another wife. With him things ended amicably, so the feelings didn't go away but went dormant but now I realize it's not the best thing for me to have ANY attachment to him, because I know it's going to end up with me in misery. Not him causing it, but me causing it for myself, because I am stupidly good at that. I think if he and I didn't have such bad timing we could be something, but obviously it's really not meant to be because 2 chances have come and gone.
I think sometimes I should detach from all entanglements online. Completely and totally and submerse myself in solidarity. Let myself experience total loneliness and maybe I will crack or find myself. Yet the idea terrifies me. I need buffers to ease that mother effing beast of loneliness and anguish that eats at my soul from the belly out. I know thats dramatic but feeling the emotions of the beast is quite apt.
-TM




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