Slowly descending into madness
2022-02-21 08:56:47 (UTC)

I'd like to be left alone

I think as a human being the thing we do on a daily basis is disappoint another human being. When it comes to that, I feel like I'm constantly letting myself down. I'm constantly judging myself. At the end of the day, I'm the one who's there for me too but at the same time I'm the only one who's harsh on me. Ofc I disappoint others as well, but that does not matter to me that much. Like I say, I carry myself.

There are certain things about me, I'm not entirely proud of. And I cannot forgive myself and move past them. As a result, I'm constantly hurting myself. And when I'm not, I'm having nightmares, panic attacks about it. And it's harder when other people are constantly judging as well.

Tomorrow my university will reopen. The thought of this helps and doesn’t help at the same time. It's hard because my whole routine will be fucked up. It's good because I will get to go to cafeteria and do my stuff in a different environment where I can forget about my pathetic existence. I always like to live in a busy surrounding but on one condition: no one can bother me. Unfortunately this condition has no value there.

I'd like to have some alone time. That's all.