Gentleman ♀

I Hate Middle School
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2022-02-14 15:08:14 (UTC)

Nostalgia's Overrated


God, I don't even know anymore. Lately, I've just been depressed. My brain has been switching between so happy I'm squealing and locked in my room crying so fast it's making my head spin. In my last entry, I was talking about how numb I was feeling but now it's the opposite. I feel too much. It's to the point where I can barely take it anymore, I don't know what to do.

I think it started a few days ago when I rediscovered my old favorite YouTuber, Stampylongnose. Then I was really happy, which felt good since the whole numb thing. But then it got depressing. I was looking at the comments in all the videos and all of them were talking about how long ago the "good old days" were and honestly I didn't realize it until now but the "good old days" were seven years ago! What happened? Where did all those years go? I'm fucking thirteen!!! A teenager! Back then teenagers looked so cool and old and it seemed like they knew everything but now I can see how yung we all look and how stupid we are and its honestly traumatizing. Anyways, eventually I found a new series Stampy and Squid started together after not recording together for years It made me really happy and they hosestly have such good chemestry it makes me smile. Hearing Stampys laugh and Squids accent, it made me feel awesome. But then there were no more recent videos to watch again and I was sad. Idek how this happened but eventually I was reading Stampy x Squid fanfiction (I know I promised myself I wouldnt ever read fics shipping real people but I never followed my own rules anyways) and it made me happy again... UNTIL IT DIDNT!!! I swear to god two of the three I read were sad and about how much they missed out on eachother!!! Then I found a SUPER good one but its been months since they updated and they said they lost intrest! They said they'd continue updating it occasionally but admitingly, that'll take forever. I think it was called "electric heartbeat" or something on wattpad. Once again I know I usually use AO3 but desprate times call for desprate mesures. Just to be clear I don't ship them irl, I just like the chemestry they have and how it can be missinterpreted TUT .

I ended up digging out my old stuffed animal Barnaby, nammed after Stampys dog, from my closet and cleaning him up. He was dirty, smelled weird, and his fur was tangled up but I brushed him out and sorta scrubbed the dirt out. Even with all of that he's just the same as before with his shape and color and that one leg my dog ripped off and we replaced with white medical tape. He may have yellowed a bit but I still love him. I keep telling my mom we have to wash him and maybe get a new one so I don't destroy the real Barnaby. I'll admit, two days ago I got super depressed and cried my eyes out locked in my dark room hugging him. I think it helped though. I slept with him last night and that felt good too. Now he sits on the top shelf in my room looking down on me with that friendly smile sewn into his face. I'll also admit I talk to him sometimes. Is that weird? Its just that even though hes just a stuffed animal hes still seen me grow up since I was like 5 so it just feels right to talk to him. I used to imagine he was a real husky or wolf and that he'd follow me around and I'd talk to him then too. That was around third to fourth grade. It felt good to know I had someone to talk to, even if he is just a stuffed animal. He makes me really happy. <3

You know, writing about this made me feel alot better too. I don't know what I'd do if I didnt have this diary honestly. Even as depressed as I get now I don't think I'd be doing nearly as well as I am. My mom would just tell everyone about my sadness or brush it off, my dad would just be weird and then tell my mom, telling Riley or Kiarra would make everything awkward, and telling anyone else would be out of the blue. I'd be shit outta luck without this diary. Thank god for 5 year old me and that branded justice book with the big pink M on it. I guess in a way having a diary humbles me. Not to the point where I'm not a horrible person but just enough to where I cant get hung up on most of my past. I take that back, I'd literally kill to go back in time but still, reading about how upset I was then makes me realise that its not so bad now either. God I never would have imagined it would be Stampylongnose and Iballisticsqid that gave me a small (compared to other people) existential crisis. I'm glad their back to making videos together though, it feel right. I've gotta go now but I'll probably write again sometime this month. Buh bye!