Gentleman ♀

Literally Nothing

Oughhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

I'm so just- I DONT EVEN KNOW! I don't want to do anything! Including doing nothing. So I'm just stuck being unhappy until my brain decides to do a hard reset or some shit! I've been so happy and even a little productive when it comes to certain things! But now I hate my favorite music, I hate my favorite YouTubers, and I hate my (quote on quote) hobbies! This is really sucky. I wish I wasn't like this.

Anyway apart from my depressed self I guess I'll give you a basic update on my life rn. So a few days ago our cat, Dani, got sick I guess. She was throwing up all over and just generally not being herself. And that's saying a lot if even I've noticed her acting differently because I couldn't really give a shit honestly. It's not exactly that I don't care, I just have better things to do than watch a cat mindlessly destroy and/or eat everything in sight all day, you know? So yeah, she's sick or whatever and somehow this minor event just caused fucking purgatory to appear! My mom's all concerned for the cat and wayyyyy too stressed and then my dad's being an asshole about it and I can't tell if this is more like a soap opera or hell on earth. My mom's convinced that my dad hates the animals (and to be fair he kinda does) so she's recruited me to watch over the cat 24/7 when she's not home and she won't let my dad know anything about how the cat is or even really let him near her! When she is home she spends all her time either sleeping on the couch with a stress headache or sitting with the cat. She even sleeps in the basement on the couch so that the cat "knows she's not alone". Like I get it the cat's probably stressed too but really?!

On the other hand, my dad is just an angry piece of shit 99% of the time so that isn't helping much either. My dad and I were just chilling on the couch with my mom and the cat when suddenly she yelled at us for looking at the cat because "you wouldn't like it if you weren't feeling good and people were looking at you" and my dad got mad and went off about how she loves the cat more than she loves humans and shit and its a mess. Apparently, while my mom was on the phone with him he asked how that cat was and she said he was only asking so he could bitch about the money we were spending on the cat and he said she was "goddamn right" or something like that idk. If you were to ask me they're both three-year-olds. Neither of them ever change and honestly, I'm getting sick of it! For instance, everything is always fine and dandy at home when only one of them's home and the others working but as soon as one of them gets back they start bitching about something, and its never just "glad you're home, I made dinner for you hun". Some family we are, pfft.

Another thing is my mom again, I don't know how to get her to understand, I can't take it when she bugs me about my skin picking (dermatillomania)! How do I get it through her head that it makes me feel like shit when every time she looks at me, the first thing she says is always about my face. I hate it! And she literally told me, my face is so bad that she physically can't stop herself from making a comment its so distracting. I told her, just lie to me! I can't even take it anymore! If she brings it up one more time imma fucking go ballistic. Whether that's bawling my eyes out if she even looks at me or throwing a fucking toaster or something at her is up for debate. Either way, I'm gunna be in huge trouble. Tonight I said something to her about it again. I told her that I was sick of hearing about it and that she shouldn't say anything about it unless I was actively picking at my face but she wasn't having it. We yelled back and forth for a bit then she asked me what she should do to help me then. I told her the same thing about not bringing it up like a million times a day and she said she was sorry and that she'd listen to me but this time it was my turn to not have any of it. I told her she should be sorry and that I knew she was lying because she'd said the same thing countless times before and she got mad. She went on about how I hated her and how she was trying her hardest but I stood firm. I'm sick of her ugly, judgemental eyes burning a hole to hell in my fucking face all day. She tried to give me a hug and say goodnight but for the second night in a row, I declined. It's my passive way of protest. If she wants a hug from her daughter she can stop being a bitch and earn it. I'm done being forced to hug her when I don't want to. I don't care if she says I hate her or she asks "what if I die tonight", she can FUCKING BURN then!!!

... Sorry about the aggressive rant, I just can't take it any longer. I'm done crying in the bathroom with the door locked and water running listening to her threaten to take the door off if I don't give her a hug. Enough with that though, time to talk about something else. So recently I've started doing the ultimate disappointment thing... You know? The thing? No? I started writing fanfiction okay!? Depending on whos reading this you might be disgusted or ecstatic. If you don't like it, leave, if you don't mind it, good. It's been a month or two now and I'm going strong... ish. I'm in the middle of writing a multi-chapter story on FNAF Security Breach as well as writing like 5 half-finished un-posted oneshots and I already wrote a oneshot about Octonauts. Don't judge me okay, I'm sick of being judged, I'll be a fan of whatever the fuck I want. For my works only existing or around two months the Octonaut one-shot is doing decent, but the FNAF one is going amazing! I get like 1-3 kudos a day and I've gotten 2 comments so far which may not seem like much but it feels amazing right now. To know that someone liked my 6 chapters of pure angst enough to tell me to write more was so refreshing. The first one I got I read over and over again squealing to myself while dancing around my room for like ten minutes. It's not even good either! I haven't updated them to the edited versions yet and each chapter is only 1000-1400 words long! The downside though is that with my current lack of motivation to do anything, I cant really put any passion into my latest chapter. Yeah I could work on it anyways but it would be boring for me now, disappointing for me later, and an obvious downgrade for anyone who reads it. Right at the beginning of my funk, before I even noticed I was in one, I wrote said chapter but it was so bad/unfitting/OOC that I HAVE to rewrite it to fit better. This is going to be a nightmare... and yet (hopefully) a dream once I get out of this funk. Guess it's time to pray! Jkjk, its 2022, everyone knows God's dead. Buh bye anyways! (oh and btw my AO3 username is lit3rally_obs3ss3d if you for some reason wanted to check it out. Thanks)

~Gentleman