nerd™

the anger games
2022-02-03 21:37:00 (UTC)

day 1809. im right where you left me.

been avoiding being here for a while now but hello it's 2022 no new years resolutions for me. im too old to hope for change. i can't remember if i had any last year and i dont want to go through my entries to check. anyways.
some things happened that i didn't want to type about because i didn't want them to turn into solid memories you know? i thought that if ignored them for a while they'd turn hazy and I'd forget most of them. and i guess i did forget some things so that's good. i still remember a lot though. I've been dreading typing this entry.
we went on a trip last December. all of us except Tass. it was a long day. i dont want any memories to resurface in my brain but basically i did not enjoy it. we spent so much money, visited so many places, bought some stuff, took a ton of pictures, ate by the beach, and the whole time i just wanted to disappear. i didn't want to be there but i didn't want to go home either. it was not fun. nothing is. there's always something missing but i never know what at the time.
there's one memory that i won't forget no matter how hard i try to bury it. we were in this busy place, a fish market, people bustling around buying and selling and cooking and eating and talking and shouting and music was blaring and i couldn't breathe and mom was just standing there debating what to buy and everything was moving except for us and im not sure how long we stood there but it felt like forever and it was so crowded i felt lost like I'll never be able to find my way out of that place, we were stuck and i realised what was missing why everything is so hard to enjoy and why none of us can ever decide a single thing ever, my father was not there.
it took everything in me not to burst into tears in the middle of the crowd. it took everything in me to stay upright. but i did. and we ate the stupid fish that tasted like absolute shit in my mouth and we left then we drank coffee in the open air and i could breathe again after a while.
i listened to cigar by tamino on repeat the whole way home.
a few days later we went out again. all of us this time. we went to see the new spider man movie. my cousins and aunt met us at the cinema. it was their second time seeing the movie. my aunt asked if i enjoyed our trip and i couldn't bring myself to lie so i just nodded and she was about to say more but my mom came back with our tickets and i was saved. the movie was ok. i only liked the first half for some reason. my cousins swear it's the best movie they've ever seen. we ate at a fancy restaurant afterwards, spent more money and went home and i couldn't stop myself from thinking about all the times we went to the movies together, just us, we didn't have to tell my aunt that we're visiting the city, we didn't have to use public transport, we didn't have to think about money, we didn't have to try to enjoy things, we had my father then, we were whole.
i drank coffee at 9pm that day and silently cried so hard after everyone had gone to bed that my nose got so stuffy and i had to mouth breathe all night.
B and i didn't speak at all for over a month. i wasn't sure what happened. the last time we spoke was in late November, i hadn't heard from him in a while but i knew he was busy with his internship. i remember texting to check on him late one night so he'd see it before bed and just reply with a "im ok thank you" or something. i didn't want him to feel like he had to keep up a conversation because i knew he didn't have the time and i didn't have anything to say. but he replied the next day and tried to keep a conversation anyway and it was kinda awkward like it always is when we don't speak for a while. that was the last i heard from him. so naturally i was convinced that he was sick of me and didn't want to talk to me anymore. it hurt. but I've always known that this would happen you know. just like all my other friendships.
until i remembered that the internship was supposed to end in early December. and i realized how self centered i was because what if he just needed time because he didn't pass the exam. i couldn't bring myself to text him though. i was scared that maybe he didn't want to talk about it and i was already miserable and didn't have anything else to talk about except being miserable. i wanted to text him on new year's day so badly. it felt like a good opener. but the thought that maybe he didn't like me anymore won and the day passed.
of course all of that turned out to be just in my head. no sane person just cuts people off abruptly like that because they're boring or annoying i think. he did fail the exam tho like i thought. and i still feel so bad because he was so sad and maybe if i had texted him he would have felt a little bit better for a day or maybe it wouldn't have made a difference but we'll never know because i didn't do it when it mattered.
we talk regularly again though so we're fine for now.
i also went out with sara a few weeks ago. it was the first time we were out together since our senior high school year. that's over 5 years ago. i missed her easy laughter and was surprised at how similar we still are despite all this time apart. it was ok. we talked a lot. i regretted everything i said the second i was home. but it could've been worse.
Di texted me a while back. i can't remember the last time we had an actual conversation. it's always just one reply per day about a topic that neither of us care about. i kept hoping she'd just leave me on read so we didn't have to do that anymore. she finally did recently. i archived her chat and hoped she'll let us part ways at last. it's been over 5 years of this awkward silence. we can't even remember what it was like to be close anymore.
that's all i can remember from the last 2 months.
the last time i left the house was when i went out with sara. every day i wake up around noon, eat lunch, let the birds out, make coffee and drink it in bed, put the birds back in their cages 2 hours later, listen to the same few playlists until 9pm when En is done with work, eat, back to bed playing sudoku until 2am, close my eyes and call it a day.
throw in some baking every other week and i talk to M, B and Gaw sometimes.
im still waiting for something. or someone im not sure. i dont know what or who but im always waiting. waiting for a reply, for someone to remember im here, for an epiphany of what to do with all this time i have, for a reason to get out of bed, for my father to come back, for the day i join him, for a will to live, for a will to die. anything.
i was thinking about my 18th birthday today. the last time we were truly happy. it wasn't exactly my birthday it was the Friday after. we celebrated mine and mom's birthday together that day. mom made cake and we ate it on the roof and stayed there until sunset. we took a ton of pictures and built a sandcastle out of leftover construction sand and rain water from earlier that morning.
that was exactly 5 days before he left.
im not sure if im a mess rn because it's his anniversary month or if I've been like this for a while. i can't remember anything these days.
i turn 23 less than 2 weeks but it feels like i haven't grown a day past 18.




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