Tati

Yay

Isn’t this exactly what where I was last year? Unable to appease myself—not able to find anything to make me happy, happy in the long term.
Shows and movies and games and books slide through my fingers, used and used and used with no results at all. I’ll not turn to people. All they cause me is anxiety, twisted feelings, and more declines in my self esteem and confidence.
My world is so small, at least in regards to the people I interact with regularly. It would only come down to about 5. 5 people. Everyone else is a blurry face that I don’t want to look at and I don’t want looking at me. I so badly wish I could just stay home where my mind can’t even wander. Where I cannot be seen. Where I don’t worry about anything. Except now home is a limbo. A cold yet warm space to grieve for my future self and regret ever having caused this situation. That I might have to leave the next morning again. I’m stuck. I’m stuck again. I just want to go home and stay home.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel anymore. I don’t know right from wrong. I don’t know what I do and don’t know. I don’t know what I look like. I don’t know how I am seen. I don’t know if I exist at all. If I disappeared, Nobody would really know. Except for maybe 4 people. Why does it feel like this? Why were my expectations so high for this portion of my life? It seems like things have only gotten worse the older I’ve gotten. And it’s not even close to being over yet. Why do I have to keep going on like this? Why can’t I just leave. Im complaining. I know I am. But what the fudge else should I do? Exercise? Exercise so I can feel the burning in my limbs and worry about something else for once? Exercise do I can once again recognize my hatred for this body? Or maybe I should starve and finally gain patience. Patience so I can be a better person for the people around me. The people that don’t exist. Because I don’t talk to anyone. Or mayb HEY MAYBE maybe I should come out of my shell and bother some random people because I hate my life and I need someone to make it better because what better way to fix it than with selfishness huh.

My neck hurts. I feel digesting. And I just want to implode.

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I forgot to save this entry. But to sum up the time jump, I’ve carved into my thighs. It’s only a matter of time until I end up killing myself with this so I guess it doesn’t matter.