Esmeralda_Bramble

Like a Moth to a Flame
2022-02-01 16:08:07 (UTC)

Snowflake

I'm a fucking snowflake! I'm sure everybody I know knows that I am -- but I'd like to assure you, I know too! Taking offense all the time, taking things personally. Just wanted to shout "JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

Today's like a "Nor'eas'ner" or "Lake effect", too damn snowflakey! I was so defensive. I hate it when other people qc my work -- I feel it's a reflection of my being when things go wrong. When a co-worker asked if the files I placed in the folder were the updated ones, and the client said it was wrong, oh my gosh, it set me off! I sent multiple snarky emails to them, obviously my snowflakes were full on green goblins. I think after the third email and cross checking my files, I realized I didn't copy the latest files so some numbers were wrong. Then this afternoon I was emailing another person and asked them to double check something and she asked "Why are you asking this question?", I guess it implied that I doubted her or something. Of course I apologized and what not. But really, deep inside I'm still hurt. Hah! Funny, I had the right to get hurt when I was the one who accused her she might have done something wrong. The nerve! Well fuck me! If I could flip the finger to me and tell me "FUCK OFF Esme!" I'll do it. It would be funny to see too.

Doing some self reflection, WHY am I like this? I take everything personally. I know it stems from a very low self-esteem. But the way I react, somehow it's different now. I used to cry and beat myself out for being stupid and what not... Now, I lash out on others and don't apologize for it! I don't know what's more destructive, both I guess. And I'm making a fool of myself even more now. Sigh, I want to say "I need a life" but I don't think I'll have a life ever again, with what's going on with me, I just don't know how to interact with other human beings. Is this what arrested development means? I never really developed my social and emotional skills, to say the least.

They say that no man is an island... and humans are social creatures. But I say there's exceptions to the rule. And some best kept secret should remain a secret. It's much better for everyone, believe me. Living in nooks where the sun don't shine -- hence, we remain snowflakes.




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