Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2022-01-29 15:10:12 (UTC)

It’s the answer you’d expect

When you ask someone how their day is, they will answer one of one of two ways. Either they don’t answer and reply back in kind, or the answer as a “pat” answer and ask the same while expecting the same answer. This kind of exchange is like a verbal handshake greeting. It’s not meant to know or empathize. It is meant to keep distance and gauge someone. The problem is, it’s completely false.

So when I’m asked how I am, I take pause. Do you want to know how I woke up with an erection and mulled over the objectivity of my pillow? Do you want to know I opted against it because I didn’t want to be bothered with the exertion? Do you want to know that I didn’t deserve the “intimacy” or the ejaculatum? How deep should I go? I can go deeper.

At what point do I stop my story telling you how my crystal clear memory fades with current events but my memory of things from the past are somehow photographic? I remember going and doing and the feelings and emotions crystal clear. I remember things that my amazingly smart friends with actual photographic memories don’t recall at all.

My theory on my current brain misfiring is that my life stresses and life confusions are fucking up my ability to remember. I’m not brilliant. I am very average… working with less capacity than I expect of myself.

So when I’m asked how I am, I will answer. I will assess your importance to my life, your judgment on me, our history together, and your ability to affect change if I do talk. There are probably 100 other factors in there that determine whether or not you get a deep answer. You will get an honest one. I know no other way.

So ask me how I am. Right now, I’m fine 😒. How are you?