Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2022-01-28 23:03:58 (UTC)

Live with it

There is a point where one has to either live with the life they are dealt (or dealt to themselves) or make a drastic change. We are like an ocean-going ship though… and I have massive barnacles. Making change is not only hard, it is scary. It is not only hard and scary, it is debilitating. Who am I kidding? I know myself and I know how bleak I can be. I have lived with this cloud my entire life. I walk, it follows… or does it float one direction and I follow? I guess I don’t know the answer to that.

I have been bleak. I have finally let my bleak freak flag fly. It’s hard to show that level of vulnerability. It’s not normal and I have part of me that “needs” to feel normal. I feel strangely ambivalent about it though.

So the fact is, I do contemplate suicide. It is my cloud. Ever since Jr. High when I had my first few solid attempts. It doesn’t happen to be my out anymore. I am also scared of death… well at least my own.

So, when I’m hurting like I have been the past few years, it’s just part of my barnacles trying to grow and me chipping them off. I could use a sandbar to run up and straddle to remove all my outward-facing appendages. Just grind them off… the longer the scrape and deeper the gouge the better. It’s not like anyone will ever see what was removed anyway.

We all make choices. We have to live with the repercussions of those choices. The question is, do I just live with it or make a drastic change? Well, change is in order...I have expressed my feelings, but they somehow get swallowed by the other words spoken.

Time to search for a sandbar maybe. It's got to hurt less.

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