Notes from my Black
Today is just like me
Today is just like me: a long string of cold hearted days strung together daring the world to go fuck itself. Want part of this shut show? I’ll have your ass freezing in a culvert wishing someone would piss in you just so you could have a fleeting moment of warmth.
She wants me to be physical. It’s that simple to her. I have no desire for her or anyone else. She doesn’t have the capacity to understand that it is no longer within her grasp to help me be whole. I’ve spun out, derailed… I stare at a colorless world. If I wanted to have sex, I’d take a longer shower. If I wanted to have sex, I’d find a random hook up. If I wanted sex, I’d risk having any and all kinds of diseases before I let you touch me. Neither will ever happen, so stop your ignorant and probing little smiles. I have known about your little tears to see my place on the Richter scale.
I have all the self control ever needed to keep me away from you. I just have to look at you and I taste my own hatred. My head spin isn’t lust, it is my anxiety peaking and my will to live plummeting.
On the contrary, I seem to have lost my will to present… you know that desire to look good, make an impression… every day I bust my diet. Every day I look at my stupid numbers and know I failed myself once again.