Gone mental

Notes from my Black
2022-01-27 05:03:55 (UTC)


I have been holding in all these thoughts for what seems like years. I have written garbage here and there and I have relished in the thought that I may impact someone in a positive way. The thing is, I can't focus on you right now. I need to know that either I am going to find my feet or that I am going to find an urn. The point of the middle is mediocrity... and I was raised to go perfect of stuff it down and deny it.

I talked about how I know people who have been raped. I just don't know how they got mentally healthy afterward. I can cleanse and fold my corners and manipulate all the facts in my head in all the ways meant to teach me I am not to blame and I am not responsible... I am not as astute as some, but I'm not a drooler either. Why can't I have moments where I feel "normal" or "happy"? It's not a big ask... can I please just have a moment where I feel validated and not in a way that is a band-aid on the wound?

Maybe tell me you feel my pain and all 103 ways you relate... so I can momentarily feel a kinship... then realize we don't know each other and not one ounce of me has the momentum to actually give you energy back.

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