Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2022-01-24 18:14:04 (UTC)

Now that i have properly spent ..

Now that i have properly spent my morning avoiding just this, and a plethora of responsibilities I am supposed to tend to, I have decided to take the plunge and get it over with. It's not quite the attitude I was looking for; to plunder through this task would be doing it a disservice- but better to do something than nothing at all.

My mind is anguished by the amount of stimuli I have undertaken this morn in order to avoid these measly tasks I have at hand. Yet bringing upon myself pain and confusion somehow is comforting in the face of existential panic. I suppose I could accurately characterize this that way.
I need more tea.

Anyways, I might as well cut to the chase. Yesterday morning I woke up in a terrible mood, as I knew that in the day to come nick and I would be speaking with our pastor about our intent to be married next month. It is insulting to nick to be so avoidant of our choice together, but, my hesitation stems from my own emotional issues rather than our relationship really. I think I've explained this to him pretty well. He's kind of ignorant to all my conflicting feelings, as he should be, (?), because trying to sort them out is confusing even for myself, and his excitement for the marital status is enough for the both of us- I don't want to take that away from him.

Sitting in the church, and even on the way to church, I had one of those faintly red eye moments as the emotional pressure in my head felt like it was just hovering below a fever pitch. Not that it was a very conscious feeling, but i did feel irritable on the surface, and as the sermon went along, I found myself contemplatively reflecting on the emotions below, and they did just barely erupt into my own consciousness briefly, although I held it all down justly. I am proud, i suppose, of myself for managing all this in a way.

It's really a sad bout of emotions to recount, and today I don't want to bring myself back to that emotional place, although I know it still lingers there below the surface. All morning I've been in an avoidant place. I spend a lot of my life there.

I need to be honest though about the way I avoid who i am in life altogether. I have this image in my mind of my mother, and the resentment I hold toward her for not caring for me properly into adulthood, and I know that holding onto that has warped me into a version of her. I see reflections in the way I cannot apply myself toward bettering my own life, and the way the anger I hold is an obstruction to my concentration on the most trivial of tasks.

I think what i've been avoiding is the part of her I've inherited, and the way I am so ashamed for the way my mother is part of me, and who i am as a person. I saw briefly during the service yesterday how my hate for her is also my hate for myself, and why I cannot better myself, because, I cannot offer forgiveness to myself. I just don't know how to keep going on, and, somehow, choosing to let this marriage happen, and choosing to let myself become one with nick, it's a really hard choice because it means either bringing this disfunction into our marriage or leaving it behind and I don't want to do either it seems. I nearly teared up at this dense thought as it bubbled up.

My mind has been a mess since before I met nick, but since meeting him it's become more evident, especially in his presence, how backwards my thinking and anxiety has become, and i get frustrated for it so easy. Talking about it now brigns about a headache.

I didn't choose to inherit any of this pain that i have to deal with, evidently.

It seems like moving on from that resentment would mean just truly doing the work in not avoiding every painful aspect of my personality. Like, when something comes up in my daily life, instead of marking it off, I need to have the capacity to take it in and process it. I feel my resentment stems from being robbed of that ability to process- the nurturing voice of a mother to walk you through pain and turn it into something you can master into order- it's hard to do but that's supposed to be the plight of womanhood. I'm supposed to be able to critically investigate emotions and other people's reactions as they come and make a sort of sense out of them, and record them into a framework of perceiving things that i've already had built for me by my father.

On both accounts, I feel messed up. I know from experience and memory that the voice of my father in my head is often times destructive of my self confidence and conviction. It tends to belittle my knowledge into hurt and then tell me I'm not doing enough.

In a preprogrammed way, my emotions are often working against me. I've been told by friends and coworkers alike, I just need to get out of my own way, and I cannot agree more-but do you know how hard of a task that can be?

What I mean by lacking parental influence- is- i crave the ability to allow myself to make mistakes and then not run away from them in fear of what they mean about me. I want to be able to hold still and take in the mistake with grace, and then just allow that fear to fall off me as I make things into something I can live by.

In short, i just want to be less insecure. But that's understating what i mean, because to lack security is really pointing toward the fact i'm missing that entire framework that's built on a steady foundation. I have to build myself a house of logic that is compatible with feelings and other peoples realities, and also morality. And then that house has to withstand the test of forces that do actively try to knock it down- jealousy, fear, passion and other tertiary emotions that come from the inside and outside.

I read an article a bit ago that said- according to science- that the trait of loneliness, linked to depression, takes around 6 years to overcome. Now, i don't really understand the science used to come out with this fact, so i may be interpreting it wrong, but, it sounds to me like it takes 6 years of constant effort and re-framing one's perspective on things before they shake that core feeling of being lonely. Which is a depressing thought that i don't really want to dissect further.

What troubles me about building my own foundation of security is the vulnerability that goes into expressing things like boundaries, or just conveying your perspective on simple things that other people see as a threat. I feel embarrassed when I can see clearer than other people in some situations. But I also just feel embarrassed to have that sense of security when others don't.
Strange. I wonder if this is because of the way communism has seeped into society's psyche.

One of the things that has really drawn me to nick is he doesn't have that fear of standing alone. It's not quite the same as my fear of being open with others on my own character but it is admirable still that he exercises being different like it's inconsequential; essential to his being. I've always admired that in people. Partially, i think that's why i've always been drawn to the weird people in class.


I grew up in a codependant bond with my mother, according to my self-diagnosis. I've since cut ties with her in a lot of ways, which she has responded negatively to. Some of these responses i've taken in stride, but some of the most vital boundaries i've set for my wellbeing were received terribly by her, and those have worn on my psyche for years- because I know her pain and I've felt it in me too.

It's so hard to overcome your own preprogrammed responses to things, and it's so hard to slow down and truly address your internal emotions, moment for moment, until they start to become something functional. Nobody talks about that in the real world, and the people that do are labelled as weirdos- or at least they feel like weirdos to me because they have an inhuman amount of vulnerability that makes me feel naked. It frustrates me that society as a whole is bent toward keeping things surface-level, and as a whole it's polite to avoid being direct with our personal emotions about how to conduct oneself in the world in conversation. But i also revel in the comfort of the idea that nobody notices me truly, because, then i don't have to take accountability, or address every disfunctional thought in my mind as i go about my day normally.

I revel in being invisible, and i often trick myself into believing that those moments i don't know how to handle, or that I flop in meeting expectations, go unnoticed. It's a strange trick to fall for- because as an adult you'd think i'd be able to hold myself as accountable as i perceive myself to be, but, there's still a small child in me that is terrified of seeing things truly as they are.

On the whole, I don't have time to be a child anymore. The child in me i've been stifling with work upon work, and it's made me miserably, well, incompetent partially, but, i'm not sure how to keep going without also going back and it's just confusing to communicate my mind in the midst of living.
I don't know if i'm moving forward. I mean, at work i found a way to just follow the routine of moving on and keeping busy, but there's still a persistent layer of anxiety below the surface, preveinting me from truly improving at doing things, at critically thinking, and i often feel a fool for it.

I don't want to go back to work if it means feeling stuck in this emotionally congested way. I dont want to be the person that just takes other's kind graces without giving back or truly receiving them in the first place. I often get backed up with emotion and guilt just for not being able to let things process through me, as it takes all of me to just see an emotion through from start to finish.

I have to say, since the first time i tried to do all of this good growth for myself, and chutes n' ladders'd myself back to square 1, every brick that goes into rebuilding myself has felt heavier. I know at the end of this mountain is another mountain to climb, of equal proportion to the growth i will have gained then. Life really is an uphill battle. Some people can take it lightly, but others have felt the sting of being the butt of life's joke, and know that sometimes the only way to fight it is make a joke right back out of life. But i don't think it's quite right to treat life- this greater force that can break a person down- like a joke. I know there's a level of grave seriousness that exists within everyone. Everyonene's subconsciousness doesn't have a sense of humor- which makes it a pickle to both observe life as it is and imagine life as you would like it to go at the same time. Control feels like an illusion the more privy you are to your own awareness.

I could drive myself insane with these truisms. I think i should just keep myself busy for the rest of my day here.




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