jasmine

Conversations with myself (live from the pinkroom
2022-01-20 17:45:23 (UTC)

5 days High- Pt. 2

Part 2- The first night of the high

The panic started to set in. "I'm going to lose my mind." The thought loud and clear.
"I'm freaking the fuck out."

I immediately sought the source of my demise.
"Kennedy!"

Confused and concerned, he told me to breathe. I did as instructed and I started to feel happy again. So happy that I wanted to see Justin. "Kennedy, get Justin. I want to talk to Justin."

Minutes counting down to 1am, Kennedy added Justin to the video call. I got so giddy to see my friend. I waved my hands franticly.
"Look Kennedy! It's Justin!" words I don't think were spoken a loud. Unable to speak, I fanned myself, hoping words would come out. Then they did. And then I wished they didn't.

"Justin, I love you!"
"I miss you!"
"You're so pretty!"

I heard laughter from somewhere but I was unable to identify the source. I think it was Justin.
"What's wrong with Jazz?" I heard him ask.
"She had a brownie and now she's spacing."

Then there was another round of: "Justin, I love you!", "I miss you." and "You're so pretty." Apparently, those words always managed to be said out loud for him to hear.

"I love you, too, Jazz." I sighed happily. I was content. And then I felt this horrible need to tell Justin everything.

I never told Justin about what happened at the Kennedy's housewarming. Kennedy and I agreed to keep it quiet until we knew what it was. But I wanted to share it all with Justin. So I hinted and hinted hoping he'd catch the clues I threw his way. And I hinted and hinted, hoping my clues didn't make any sense to him. For I wanted him to know and not know at the same time.

"What is she talking about?" Justin enquired. Kennedy didn't answer. I was happy about that. I was also mad.

I struggled to stay present. I felt myself going under. Spacing. That's what they called it. I had to stop spacing. "How?" I asked myself. I had an idea immediately. I had to actively use my mind. If I guided my thoughts, I couldn't space. And that's when the counting started. I counted to 10, then 20, I almost made it to 40. Then I spaced. I counted backwards. I spaced again. The counting wasn't helping. I believed it would though. So I kept on counting. One, Two, Three, Four...

I was struggling to sleep.

"Listen to music." Another instruction. The source? Who knew? It took some time but I eventually figured out how to get to youtube. I played music. I found a song that calmed me. I listened to it over and over again.

Both guys stayed with me until sleep came to me. I was happy I was falling asleep.

I thought to myself, "In the morning I will be better."

****
The morning came.

I was not better.
"I think I'm still high."


Part 3 to come.




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