Sometimes, I just want to be with someone. It’s easiest for me to stop thinking naturally when I am in the company of others and engaged with them in doing anything.
Im getting so tired of myself constantly and I have no escape from my own thoughts besides sleep. And that’s boring. And I think about how my failures throughout the day have led to this moment and how if id just stayed in my bed and simply worn something else I would have been fine.
How I have to go back to school in person later. How I failed to lose any weight. How I have no self control. How I could see my stomach bulge in that dress that night. How I have a personality that will attract none, that I might as well give up on being reserved given that fact. I forgot my ring in the bathroom. There’s so much crap to do and I’m feeling lazy. And sick. I ate a plate of stuff. And now I don’t feel good. Hunger always falsely advertises food to my brain. I’m tired. So tired of my dramatics. Of these words and entries. Of wanting and needing. And of the future and past that I can no longer have. Of my complaints.
Frustration? Irritation too. I’m not sad, I’m sick. Disgusted. Regretting. I feel like throwing up and killing myself just to stop feeling this crap for a minute.