2022-01-14 19:21:17 (UTC)

I don't think I can pursue ..

I don't think I can pursue a healthy relationship of any sort with F. Between her alcoholism and the way she seems to idealise me, I'm reminded of K. But I don't think she's intentionally manipulative like K or has sociopathic tendencies, which makes it harder because she deserves someone who can be close with her and good to her. Unfortunately the person I am now can't be that for the person she is now. So what to do?

I assume Lot has found something to keep himself busy this week. My remaining 2c-b pills are just chilling in my stash.

I could go out to a park, or check if the arcade is open, or buy groceries. But that'd involve showering and putting together a suitable outfit for the weather and going outside and doesn't it sound like a lot when you put it like that, let alone all the tiny step in-between the steps like being naked and wet and cold then dry and then finding the clothes and finding all the bits I have to take outside with me Just In Case.

Might see J again tomorrow. Might not. Might go to a protest. Probably not.


I spoke to Sam yesterday for the first time in ages. He mixed fent and G, and I'd taken oxy, as I now do more frequently, although my supply is very limited. Talking to him reminded me of the conversations I have with J. Basically, the fact that there are 2 people with whom I can converse about drugs exclusively, even going over shit that's already been said, and enjoy it.

Maybe that's not inherently a bad thing. I just find it embarrassing, how limited the topics I have anything much to say on are, and the taboo/immaturity of the subject matter, or seeming that way to others. And then it's like, I'm caring what other's think now? Oh dear...

I suppose I'm just not feeling my best today. At least I cooked some rice. Cheap, versatile, filling and safe.