(AmIHere)

My Thoughts
2022-01-10 20:58:00 (UTC)

What do you do?

Disclaimer: I am good, I am safe!

What do you do when the excitement and messages die down?
What do you do when everything gets quiet again?
What do you do when you feel like you are frozen in time, unable to move forward?
What do you do when the voices in your head come back telling you that your not good enough?
What do you do when you are just tired of fighting?
What do you do when you want to give up?
What do you do when you scream for help but no one hears?
What do you do when the weight you've been carrying around becomes too heavy to hold anymore?
What do you do when you want to start something new but are too afraid to try?
What do you do when you can't control your mind anymore?
What do you do when you start to not want to fight the urge to disappear anymore?
What do you do when the walls start to close in around you?

I don't know about you, dear readers, but those are things I struggle with on a regular basis. Yes you read that right a regular(daily) basis. Some Days are so much louder than others, those days are the hardest to keep going. I stood outside today, looking at the contents of what was in my work van, trying to figure out how to organize it and make it all fit back in perfectly (too much product not enough space). It was never going to happen, but even with the wind blowing and it being absolutely freezing outside I was determined to make it happen. As I stood there just staring down, my mind suddenly went blank (I know hard to believe huh?) for a few moments, or what felt like moments to me, I had absolutely no thoughts. In that split second right after I snapped out of it, I happened to wonder if that's how it will feel when I die. Complete and utter nothingness. Gosh, what a feeling. No expectations, no one needing me, nothing pulling me in so many different directions, no more hiding who i am from those around me. No worries, No fears, just nothing! It takes everything within me to not chase that feeling, it feels almost like a losing race, but when I go to bed tonight, I know that when I wake up in the morning I'll be back to where I start everyday. Back to doing what is expected of me, doing what I have to do in order to survive the day. I will survive the day just like I have all of these others I've woke up to. One day I will start living instead of merely surviving, until then I will do what I have to do in order to survive.




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