Night owl

Finding Hope / Escaping suicide
2022-01-03 16:21:14 (UTC)

A day engraved in my memory

Dear diary
Today is another day added to the list of days that I totally wish to forget. Being a part of this family has only brought me nightmares and disappointment in parents and parenting.

I woke up this morning at the sound of my brother yelling around as usual,nothing new. But before leaving he had a fight with dad at the door before getting on his bike and leaving. And then the real nightmare started ...
As soon as dad closed the door he goes straight to my mum and starts yelling at her saying " it's all your fucking fault you bitch..you turned them against me and how this is all my fault. Your fucking son points a finger to my face and says it's my fault ?! ....etc" a list of bad words and blaming. Mum usually just ignores him and never bother to answer because she says he is not worth it.

But this time was different as soon as he said bitch she got so angry and started yelling back and I knew this was getting too far. I got up from bed feeling super dizzy because I slept so late last night and I woke up listening to them all yelling. I saw dad on the hallway pointing his fingers to her threatening her " I swear you will be dead by my own hands. You fucking bitch. You ruined this family. Get out of this house. You dont belong here " and I swear I got up on time because he pushed her and was about to start hitting her. No matter how things get far dad never touches mum because she have a family on her back he knows very well if he dares to lay a hand on her he would go to jail for it so he never done it,only once and today was the second time.

when dad actually decides to hit someone he damages them. You get out of it with bruises and scars..not to forget mental issues as well ( Me)
I stood in between and I just couldnt shut up so I yelled at both of them telling them to just fuck off...and they are both the cause of this family falling apart. " look at yourself, you didnt even respect the fact I'm standing here and you are cursing like a fucking asshole, you pointing fingers to her why dont you listen to yourself ? How dare you curse her in front of your own children and you and you *pointing fingers to them* it's both your fault. Look at us do u even call this a family anymore ? "

What broke my heart, what brought tears standing between them is mum saying " I'm still here not because of you but because of them *pointing her finger to me* ...they are my children and as long as they need me I will be always here. You are not even worth the time wasting on you. "
And I just bursted into tears yelling begging them to stop ...I begged him to leave but he just left the hallway cursing us all.
...
And that's how my day started. No matter how much I wish to not be a part of it I cant help standing in between ...because he can hurt us he can hurt mum. The first time he did it he was holding a knife threatening her. While she was saying she is not afraid and she would go to the police and report this...but she never did we were so little. She didnt want us to grow up without a father but I wish she did...because he is not much of a father...never been and never will...
I'm sure if I wasnt here today something bad wouldve happened to mum and that scares the shit out of me. I'm terrified because none of my brothers are around anymore except for the one that left today. He barely stays at home he leaves too early and comes back home very late. And mum wouldn't go to the police. She is scared.
....
What a start of a new year. Looking at my parents made me give up the whooole idea of relationships、commitment 、love、trust、vows taken in marriage ceremonies because they are all bunch of lies. 70% of the couples if I may say are just looking for a life time partner to fuck ...they only want sex...I'm not sure if any of the 70% ever wanted kids.
For our case dad never allowed mum to be on birth control he just made sure that she never take pills lying to her that they can cause diseases. My parents are pretty fucked. They are not good as partners or as parents or as human beings....they are pretty stupid in every possible way. And I would never ever think of belonging to any man on this earth and I will never think of having a family of my own or kids....I chose to be alone for years now...somehow I forgot why i chose not to commit to anyone but today I'm reminded of the choices I made. And I'm back to earth again....
There is no such thing as love、there is no such thing as good parents ...all I've seen inside our house and other people's is the proof that family are the biggest nightmare kids could ever have ....
I feel sorry for myself and anyone who did experience this.




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