Tati

Feeling bad 🍬

I continuously wonder why I still don’t feel good. Why, no matter how much pseudo happiness and temporary contentment and laughs and family times and friendly conversations I stuff into myself, I still don’t feel good. But I won’t be happy until I’ve perfected my style of living. I’m a perfectionist. Of course after all these failed attempts at doing this all correctly, I’d feel upset, disappointed, unhappy.

why can’t I ever get it right? Why am I never able to break this cycle of feeling that I’ve failed and wasted another day? If it isn’t obvious enough, I’m weak. Weak minded, using entertainment as a crutch. Weak willed. Weak when it comes to everything. Mental health. Social skills. Healthy routines. Healthy body. With my own imperfections and flaws facing me at every corner I may turn. My inadequacy. And my idiocy getting in my own way.
The only one at fault is me. For all the loneliness I’ve caused. The stress I’ve caused. The uncomfortableness I’ve caused. The awkwardness. The anger and irritation. The restlessness and self doubt. The hate and confusion. Falls to none but my own.

That I’m unable to put my phone down. Leave my headphones on the side table for a single day and simply work like a normal person and not some screen addict who needs to look at their phone every 30 minutes or play some music to focus when that might not even help in the first place. I feel disgustingly dependent. What was the original goal in the first place? Success? A cat? A home of my own? A job? To die alone but get wealthy enough to be comfortable? I don’t even want to be alive by then. What am I even doing anymore. Why do I live?

I feel so weak.
Why not just see where this goes at this point? It all feels pointless so I might as well just go with the motions, hopefully take a backseat on it all if I manage to fall into a fog (routine/monotonous cycle). Take care not to eat. Take care to just do what I’m supposed to. Work. Sleep. Yeah that’s pretty much it. Exercise should add up to at least 60 minutes for some reason so I guess I’ll time that. Around 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes more sometime in the afternoon. Might end up ghosting people but I’d rather they not hear from me if I’m vacant. Things will not be put on pause for Christmas, it would’ve been nice to have fully been there for it but I’m tired.

Did attack on titan steal my soul? Why is everything so depressing after that show.