Night owl

Finding Hope / Escaping suicide
2021-12-14 15:59:00 (UTC)

December 14th, 2021

I woke up around 2pm today ...spent the day and night sleeping. I feel so drained out by everything.
I have few exams coming up and I have no idea how will it go ! Most of them are essays to write and I need to find references on the internet...it takes alot of time and I'm running out of it. I sleep more than I should, or just stay awake doing nothing more than I'm supposed to ...
I seriously need the world to cut me some slack, it's really too much for me, for any single human to handle...everything has gone out of control. I used to deal with it so well. Just hide it all, bury it deep within me. And let my tears run down whenever I'm alone. That was my only salvation. Now crying wouldnt even solve a single thing. The more I cry the more headaches I have the more unfocused I become.
I lost my appetite, I lost the fun, I lost hope and everything in between. When I sit down trying to just relax and breath it all comes back to me. I try to keep myself busy or just listen to loud music in my head just to avoid thinking about all of this but I end up having headaches again...Its 4pm now and I've been laying in my bed the whole day. I need to get up but what is the purpose? What am I waking up for ? I'm so hungry but I also feel like throwing up...
Nothing brings me joy anymore... and i can't do anything about it 😊 ..
In the past I used to say, what did i do wrong to deserve this? Now i know i was asking the wrong question...because I knew all along what I was doing, and despite the fact that it is so fucking wrong I kept doing it...now I'm suffering from the outcomes.
How does it feel to be hopeful? How does it feel to look forward to tomorrow ? ..I haven't felt that in a long long time. My boyfriend knows every single thing about me. He doesnt blame me, he blames my brain. He says I need some serious treatments. And he promised he would get me medical help but I dont know anymore...I'm scared that by the time i get help it would be already too late.
My symptoms have gone alot worse than the last few months. I dont know why but It just did. I cant fight it...I met a doctor online back in summer and he also said that i seriously need medications. From what I explained to him the only conclusion he came with is that I might have MDD (major depressive disorder) or bipolar. Even my boyfriend said that I might be bipolar.
But unfortunately, i lost contact with that doctor...he could've helped me understand myself more !
...
Now,knowing what my issue is makes me feel more clear of what I'm going through but also shows how much I'm in a deep shit.and the fact that I can only fight it with meds makes me even more hopeless because my parents know shit about me. And I can't let them know. And even if I told them, they wouldnt be able to help me. We are so damn poor.
If I tell my dad I'm depressed he would laugh. although he worked in the medical field, He never believed in mental Ilnesses...
Whom should I seek? I'm scared of myself. Last time I was left alone I stood watching the knife in the kitchen,, i felt nothing i thought of no one and I just was about to do something very regretful...with my state getting worse,I'm not surprised if I would actually do it one day....






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