Gentleman ♀

Who The Hell Even Am I

Hey,

sorry if this is a jumbled-up mess, I'm reading fanfic and listening to music while writing this and this whole thing will probably be broken up into a two-day writing process so idk. I also don't really know what this entry is going to be about so forgive me if it's a shit show.

I guess first I should get into what the title's about. Who the hell even am I? I mean, I'm me yeah, but who really am I. Because I want to be so many things all at the same time and I hate it. I wanna be punk rock. I wanna be a rebel. Wearing jean jackets and ripped-up pants with fishnets and a chain. But I also wanna look like a living rainbow. Colorful outfits, makeup, jackets, shoes. And still, I wanna look goth, not completely but I love the edgy all-black and big eyeliner. Yet I wanna look urban with baggy messed-up clothes that are 8 sizes too big! WHY CAN'T I MAKE UP MY GODDAMN MINDDDDDDDDD!!! And every time I'm deadset on one style, another one comes up and is even better eye-candy than the last! It's so frustrating and after all of that, I'm too pussy to ask my parents for any of it! The farthest I've gotten in any of them is a fohawk, black clothes, and grey ripped jeans with a wallet chain for punk and a rainbow collared crop top, a funky sweater, and some rainbow gloves and socks for living rainbow. And even that scared the hell out of me to ask for! Although Christmas is coming up and with that, I practically asked for only clothes so I kinda had to be a bit out there. I hope I get most of the stuff I asked for.

I'm also challenged personality-wise too! Like I didn't have enough to worry about with just my looks. I wanna be cool. I try to act cool around some people, I think " I have a mohawk, ripped jeans, a wallet chain, a backward hat, I should be cool right?" and so I do. I try to act cool but honestly I just end up looking stupid. So maybe I should just try being shy then. It's a lot easier and I hate people anyway so it can't be that hard. And yeah it can work a lot but it always annoys people how quiet and indecisive I am. So maybe I'll be loud and outgoing, right? Be how they see me. Bad idea!!! No one likes a loud outgoing kid with sassy comebacks and smartass comebacks. So then I'll just detach myself from everyone. It's my favorite... way to be so far but it gets kinda hard when you're me. Aka an anxiety-caused-adrenaline-filled bubbly little bitch. I'm always so out of it all the time till the second someone even speaks to me and then I couldn't stop smiling if you slit my mouth into a frown!

Even when I'm alone I can't decide who I am! Sometimes I'm super happy, blasting music in my ear and dancing while admiring myself and enjoying a good book or youtube video. Other times though I'm sitting in the dark in my room wishing I could cry or puking up my dinner then cutting my shoulders as deep as my pussy ass can muster. I guess I'm just destined to be a mixed-up idiot. I manage to get this all down in one night and this is getting long so I think I'mma start another entry that should really take two days to write. See you there (maybe)!

~ Gentleman