Live my life♥

Thats it...I saw him happily ever after

So I saw his wedding pic. My heart pounded so fast that I felt I might vomit it out. Never in my life i had such nervous, anxiety which am experiencing now. Omg ... it was awesome. He looked so fucking happy.. my brain just jolts back to that time to find where I could have fixed it and how I could have been in her place today. But I see no chance beacause things were in his hands not mine. He looked so so happy ,comfortable you know its weird to see him with some one else. He moved on within 6 months from a 5 yrs old relationship. And am still stuck.. there was no day that I never thought of him. Am I weird??. I really want to forget this all. But i don't know how should I? How can I be cool like him? The hurt is like someone stabbed me with a fork right there in my heart and twisted it. I cried, i cried at night, in the shower. The momemt I wakeup i have his thought of how he must be enjoying. All that pamper, love affection which I got and deserved will be someone else now while all I can do is watch them happy and feel miserable, like a beggar who look at people and can just wish to have what people have. I feel so poor. I just cant concentrate on anything, i gaze at TV, i dnt feel like eating, doing a skincare, workingout, smiling or i dnt feel anything but numb. Am not in a depression but am surely depressed that my mom and sis can make out but they want me to give time to settle down. Monku I loved you so much if you could have stood by us we could have been together. I felt so lucky around you having you in life little did I knew that it wasn't forever. I have forgiven you but forgetting you is quite difficult. The thought that youll spend life with someone else, make babies, grow old ahhh is killing me I never got hurt so much in life. I can now closely understand why ppl end their life.
Will I be love again?? Will I be loved again? Will I ever be able to be happy with someone else?? Ahhh man so much work... have to start from scratch... because of him its difficult for me to trust someone. Why did you even meet me monku whyyyyyy......
R and I had a tiff yesterday. He always makes personal comment on me. I hung up on him and he got offended but I DNT CARE. Am done with ppl... sometimes I think is it me or they have a problem. I told mom abt it I cant be sweet sweet with everyone ill speak and vent where i fewl like. Just because he is from the states I cant lick his ass just fuck off.... he told me not to call him in again and I quickly agreed in peace coz i really dont want ppl in my life. They are mean. They judge you, they use you emotionally. Am glad as R always talk abt his toxic relationship which feeds my anxiety. Am good aloof from him.
Am so stressed out..am done with Monku peeking in his life. I guess I should invest my time energy on searching a guy and settling down. So damn difficult why is life so difficult??
Sweety now calm down, love yourself, you were never wrong, belive in god he has better plans om shanti...