Night owl

Finding Hope / Escaping suicide
2021-12-09 02:03:00 (UTC)

Friendship vs Depression

It always feels different when someone from the past comes back to my life again.

One of my old friends texted me today. We have been exchanging messages for the last month,but it was barely a conversation,however today was so different.

Back in 2017, I joined this app for school purposes and he came across my account and we became friends. We shared alot,we talked day and night. But due to bunch of reasons we lost contact.
Few weeks ago, I found him again and we exchanged few messages, just the usual catching up.
But little did I know, that the boy i met years ago went through alot. I thought he was doing alright with med school and college life but alot happened. Two years ago he got into an accident and broke one of his fingers which cant be repaired anymore and he cant play his guitar anymore. It's really so unfortunate. Fingers mean alot to musicians and he was so talented with his hands. There is also the loss of his grandma that he couldnt attend her funeral,she was like a mother to him、changing cities and having no friends、and now the national exam for the master degree which he didnt study for at all.
He said he is struggling with depression again, he spends hours walking aimlessly. No one to reach out to, no one to walk with,no one to call and vent to. Due to covid he couldnt even go back to his home town. Alot of cities closed no travelling around the country.

He said whenever he tells his mother he is seriously depressed and mentally struggling all she says is "you have no choice but to study for the exam" .
Now I'm not sure if what I told him is the right thing but I told him that in the past due to depression and sickness I had to take a year off and spend it at home away from people away from the world and he should do the same. Sometimes we cant push ourselves further otherwise we would literally shatter.
Fuck school and what parents expect from us. No one understands us but us. You cant expect them to get into your mind and see what cant be seen.
It actually broke my heart knowing that the cute boy I knew became so affected by everything around him and reached a point where all he thinks of is suicide. His words were so intense,and he was so serious about it..
At first he sent me a voice mail saying he is outside alone and he is not feeling well at all. He wants it to stop. It scared the hell out of me. I actually panicked because I knew how that feels and at that certain moment anything is possible, we can make something very regretful.

Slowly through our conversation, I tried to make his focus on another topic and just talk about the brighter side of us being friends again and how we are grown ups now we are not the immature kids we met back then. As we spoke he kept walking around and he would stop now and then to get something to eat. He said he have appetite, he havent actually tasted anything in months...everything felt bitter, and tasteless other times.
As he was walking and eating I tried to make him smile and he did. On his way back home he kept laughing and telling me funny stories while working in the hospital. And that did put my heart at ease. I knew at that moment that I could actually save him and I knew I'm the only one who can help him.
He said none of his colleagues or college friends knew and that I was the only person all along that knew everything...so I intend to take those words seriously and become someone he can rely on whenever he needs me.
It's very sad that no one was around when I was on the verge of ending it all. I had to struggle alot alone and do everything on my own. Wishing everyday that someone would come and reach his hand to me but no. Waiting brought me nothing but pain. So I wish I could help those in need and not let them go through what I have been through...down there there is nothing but pitch black. You cant even hear your heart beats,your mind is extremely noisy sending you all these bad signals and your whole life is a red flag. And if by any chance u get out of it you will never be what you wish to be because you will be full of unseen bruises. It's a war against yourself.
I cant say I'm saved but I learned alot when I was alone.

I truly hope I can help him,i cant save him because saving needs his own will to be saved. But we will see what happens ..




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