J. B <3
Things I will never say out loud
Always alone, always my own fault
I am afraid to move on with my life when I feel so underdeveloped socially. How do I have a baby knowing I will have a lonely life as a mom, and only a mom. I would have no baby shower at all because I am so embarrassed to say I have no friends. I am truly alone except for being married. It’s all my own fault, but it still sucks to be here like this. At night it’s all I can think about. Lately even during the day it’s all I can think about. It’s an embarrassing problem at any age, but somehow at 24 it just hurts. I think it would hurt me less if Devin and I didn’t have problems connecting like we used to. It’s not the same hanging out with him. I want to go out and grab a drink with him, or go and have fun anywhere, but I know we just sit at home. I feel pathetic, but I know it’s all my own choice. I have no one at work that I could connect a friendship with. I should have found a place socially that made more sense than an accounting department full of parents and busy lives. I feel like by trying so hard to grow up quickly I took away the best years of my young adult life from myself. It sucks to look back and know it’s all my own fault. I don’t know why I can’t be honest with anyone about my feelings. My best guess is that I am too insecure about what others think of me. I don’t care if I come off as weak and weird, as long as people don’t think I’m awful. But I people don’t have the chance to think any of those things if they don’t know, I guess. If I could tell people I’m lonely things may have been different by now. But it doesn’t matter at this point, does it? I don’t know what I need to do. My first guess is I need to have an attitude change and just be more positive and put myself out there. I’ve definitely tried that, but maybe not hard enough. I think before I take the step of making friends I need to learn to be honest with myself and people I already have around me. But before I do that maybe I need to learn how to talk about my problems without crying. Because that’s another reason I shut down, I can’t stand to cry around people. And I cry all the time, easily.
Writing makes me feel better for a bit, but It’s all really pointless anyway. I feel empty and hollow during the day, but I also don’t feel overwhelmed by my feelings like I do at night, like right now. Counseling has never worked out for me, partially because of my fear of talking about my feelings, but also because I don’t really have the same feelings during the day. I’m busy, I’m stressed about other things. It’s when I want to rest that it’s just all too much.
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