nerd™

the anger games
2021-12-05 02:28:35 (UTC)

day 1749. intruder

aunt Sal invited herself and the rest of our relatives over for tea last Thursday. that's 11 people in our tiny living room with 7 seats. and im not even counting myself and my family.
she decided that since we never go to their weekly family meet ups, she was going to bring the meeting to us. im still recovering 2 days later.
nothing big happened really they weren't even their meanest selves that night.
im not sure if it's because I've been avoiding people for months now or if it's just them but being around them was so fuckin draining. i will never understand them. i envy how easily they move through the world. how easy going they are. how comfortable they are around each other. how all that talking and laughing and absolute chaos of children everywhere doesn't drain them but lift their spirits instead.
it was so loud that i felt like i lost my grip on reality for a minute. there were so many people talking at once from every direction. i was stuck on a chair in the corner and didn't want to interrupt the conversation next to me so i couldn't get up and for a second all the words blurred together and my eyes wouldn't focus and my brain grew too hot even tho all the windows were open and i was freezing at the same time. it felt like my brain and body were disconnected. a very strange feeling that i hadn't felt in a while. i couldn't comprehend a word being said. my brain was just static.
later that night when they left i couldn't stop thinking about how out of place i was. it wasn't just in my head, some of them tried to talk to me about what i wanted to do with my life now or just complimented my baking but my replies were so stiff and awkward that they decided it's best to pretend i wasn't there and so the conversations went on around me like i wasn't even there. all my siblings are a little introverted too but they can at least give polite replies.
it feels like no matter how hard i try there's always gonna be something missing in me. i feel like an intruder.
im so tired. I've done nothing but lay in bed and cry to sad music for the last 2 days. i dont feel like I've run out of tears yet.




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