Tati

Hurts

It’s embarrassment. Shame even. Felt so clearly and purely that it hurts. I’m embarrassed that I eat like this. And the helplessness of my situation hurts too. I’m embarrassed they have to hear me eat like this. I’m anxious because I don’t know how much of my chewing is only heard by me and how much is heard by them. I’m embarrassed because I can’t chew properly in front of other people, in front of them. It took me so long to be comfortable just eating with my household family and now this. I don’t like it. I hate it. I hate that this is something I’m dealing with. I hate that it’s just the effect of seeing someone else choke on a chip. Or the multiple times candy has gotten stuck in my throat. I hate how something so small has messed up another part of me.

I can’t even talk. I don’t know how to insert myself into a conversation. How loud to talk for me to not have to repeat myself 3 times. What tone to speak in so that I’m not sounding as rude as I know is my default voice. Don’t even know if/when I’m welcomed to speak at all. So I say nothing.

Getting anxious in casual situations like sitting in a car. Because I don’t know if I need to say something. I don’t know I’m being looked at. I don’t know if I should keep one ear free of my headphones in case someone says something to me. I don’t want to say anything but I can’t completely block out their presences and be at ease. I will always be in the inbetween, waiting. I shouldn’t have eaten anything at all. Should’ve just stayed home. I don’t even need to be eating that much food anyways.

It takes one day for me to once again become so painfully aware of the issue that is myself, rather than my body. My personality, the way I talk, the way I don’t talk, my mannerisms, my silence, eating issues, and all the characteristics that make me, me. My face and my legs and everything else may be unsightly to me but what’s worse is an unpleasant presence. If I could be more quiet. Quiet when talking, or not at all. ASL if you will. If I could be mute. If I could sleep quietly. Go through my day quietly. Eat quietly. Walk quietly. I would. Of course I would. I hate being loud.

The helplessness hurts, I’m so painfully loud its disgusting and I can’t change the way I chew or the fear that comes from the thought of choking on a particularly hard piece of food. I just want to minimize my presence. I wish I wasn’t here.