Night Owl
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2021-12-03 00:36:41 (UTC)


I mentioned in my previous entries that Ive never actually opened up to my boyfriend, it was mainly out of care for him...I didnt want him to feel vulnerable and helpless.

We live in separate countries separate continents,half of the world between us. Yet I tried to shorten the gap by taking care of him as much as i can. But with my mental condition I couldnt just pretend anymore...

Last night and even today I opened up to my boyfriend for the first time. I told him everything, my worries my insecurities my secrets my life my family issues my past my future plans...everything. A part of me refused to tell him was because I was scared of losing him...

He is worthy of the world and beyond, I didnt believe that someone would actually care for me this much and hear all of that and actually choose to stay. From my experience, anyone that knew me ..the real me ended up leaving. So I figured that he would also leave which is why I tried to avoid telling him everything.
My Bf decided to get a new car. Few months ago we talked about each other's favourite cars..AND he decided to get the one I like. I never had someone go this far for me...It may seem something insignificant to others but it means alot to me. Something I could never forget and it makes me super happy when he says "its going to be our car ".
The only thing I could come up with is "Thank God I have a good taste in cars " ...

Today we talked about the future..our future together. I would be lying if I said I have everything planned. Everything seems blurry to me,I'm thinking of switching majors going to where he is and study in one of the universities there. Or just finish my Doctorate in my current university or just find a job...but the one thing I know for sure is that I dont want to be here for the next couple of years.

Whenever I think of parents, despite all the abuse, I still feel sorry for them and they are too old to be left alone...my brothers are going to stay abroad and probably settle down there, and my sister is thinking of going with her best friend to another country together through a scholarship (that's the plan,) as for me ...I dont know ...

Despite my depression and my mental condition in general a part of me ...a small part of me wants to have a happy ending with my parents. My dad is 70 years old,my mom is 60. They dont have that long time to live and I just wish I could have happy moments with them. I think I've been the nicest child in this family since I was little yet I was treated harshly by everyone...I dont want to turn into the bad girl now after all this time.
And even if I leave and turn my back on them, one day I would look back and just say "I wish I done more ...i wish i tried to fix things " and by that time It would be all in vain because it would be too late.
I explained this to my bf and I'm not so sure if he gets it but he understood it at least.

I personally dont know what I want to do with my life exactly but I'm sure I want to have someone by my side for the rest of my life..which I try to avoid admitting that.
I've been together with my bf for few months now and we pretty much know each other well. He gets my lame jokes, he listens carefully when I'm very talkative, he analyses things in my stead when it gets too complicated for me. He gives the best advices ever and most of all he is so loving...like I can REALLY feel it AND see it.

I wont deny the fact that I get super lonely when he spends most of the week days in hospital but still I'm super grateful that he comes back to me always. And I would never ask for more. I'm grateful with what I'm given now. I truly care for him so much that i would want to do everything for him.
It's just these moments of weakness when I get so overwhelmed by my own feelings and I could not even control it are what makes things worse for me. I literally turn to a different person...all my hidden darkness overflows and all my bad emotions turn to bad words and cursing.And that led me to losing alot of people along the way. And I cant come to terms with myself.

I'm physically drained for the past few weeks, too much stress from school ..too much noise in the house, too much yelling, too much pain ...I bottle it all inside me until I reached the point of exploding and I sure did explode. In the past i used to handle it so well. It only needed a cut or two enough to see blood while crying in bathrooms and that would be it but now I cant ...I still do cut my self but not as much as I used to before...probably for the sake of my bf. I want to be a better person for him, someone worthy of him. Someone he could proudly say she is mine forever...

For the sake of my dearest A
I will try to survive this, and just give it my all and get out of this darkness. It might take me a long time...I might fall back again in this hole but as he said we are a team me and him we will work things out ...

I desperately need a holiday..I havent had a holiday since September. I'm mentally drained. I didnt think this major would be so hard! Online classes made things worse and what is even worse is the time zone between here and my university..I'm trying to adapt to it but I really cant...i barely sleep well.
I want to say to my sweet lover "I love you babe ❤ "