Songbird System

2021-12-02 11:34:02 (UTC)

Situation Has Gotten Worse

I'm honestly terrified.

My mom keeps getting worse. She's forcing me to pay her one hundred dollars per week and says she will raise it to two hundred once I get a job. She refuses to accept my disability and will only love me if I get a job. And continue smiling.

She's also forcing me to stay with my grandparents once they get a dog. She doesn't realize their plan, that idiot. If I go into that house by myself, I know that things will go horribly. I know it. My mom however screamed at me when I reacted by...getting scared. She only wants the money. She only wants the money. She only wants the money. Of course, I'm also still somehow expected to have a job and take care of my sister at home while at my job. How? I don't fucking know. She told me too.

I'm so tired. My mom is a horrible person. She's horrible. She's very happy about Roe v Wade potentially getting overturned and doesn't care about what that does to the rights of anybody. Because she believes fetuses just developed have more personalities than people that have abortions. Seriously. Oh my God.

...Um, guys...I keep getting new memories. I think I had an abortion before. I keep getting memories of having a pregnancy and getting an abortion in middle school. They won't go away. I just thought ignoring them would make them go away. My mom says people who have abortions are murderous monsters now. Oh my God. My past keeps getting worse.

...So it turns out Alex really did rape me back then. I was so certain that he didn't.

...I want to throw up.

Things keep getting worse and I keep getting new memories and accepting how fucked up the ones I had before really were. I'm so scared. I'm traumatized.

Good thing is that I'm starting to have leads to try to get my freedom. I will do this. I'll survive this. I'll do what no one else in this family has ever done. I'm so sorry, Morgan. I'm going to have to leave you. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

You left me so many times before so I know how much getting left behind hurts. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. And please survive. Survive for me when I go off on my own.

I'm going to contact my friend again to see if I can still live with him if things get even worse. I've to leave this. I don't know how, but I will. I'm tired of being abused. I'm tired of being chained by my family. My mental image of myself has been me with chains all over for far too long. I refuse to continue to be passive. I refuse to keep buying into their blackmail. I refuse to continue this cycle of abuse!

I will break free! I promise! Even if I die doing so, I'll break free!

And here's your daily reminder that if I die it's not an accident or suicide, it's murder. I'll keep writing this until I'm free. Because if I die, I'm taking all of those fuckers down with me so they can't hurt anybody else! I'll continue fighting no matter what, even if it's past the goddamn fucking grave!

I'm tired of goddamn old people ruining my life!

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