Night owl

Finding Hope / Escaping suicide
2021-12-01 13:10:00 (UTC)

Bloody History

I'm rarely left alone at home...Since I study in a foreign university abroad and the boarders are closed. I can only attend classes online until we are permitted to join our schools.

I've spent the last few months at home attending online classes, I dont have much friends to go out and have fun with.
I barely have anyone my age or any age...my life is sad,beyond sad.
I try to put my thoughts in order and into words but I cant. I do write my diary but it never actually helped...so excuse my messy writing
...
Today for the first time in weeks,everyone left the house and I was supposed to have an online class but I dont have wifi so Im only left with data (less than 300MB)...I was left alone for a brief moment,probably half an hour. Everything was so quiet and it came to me...all that rage all that pain all that sadness all that depression and I couldnt hold it in ..windows and doors all closed. The door of my room was closed as well and i started screaming at the top of my lungs crying so hard cursing nonstop...my body was here but my mind was elsewhere. I wasn't me, I was someone else.

I was thinking about suicide and how I could do it but half an hour is never enough to kill myself..is never enough to cut my wrists and just let the blood spill until I die ( they say if u cut both wrists u will die slowly at least after two hours and i dont have that enough time to actually die ) ...I dont have the strength to stab myself, to make a knife go that deep and reach my heart.. we dont have any kind of poison to just take it and end it quickly...i didnt think of anyone at that moment all I was is a helpless girl wishing to end it all..I didnt care about what would happen if I actually died, I didnt care who would cry for me I didnt care about what would people say about a dead girl ....

I was begging to no one I was just screaming, ..screams mixed with tears endless tears.
I wasnt drinking water at all for the last month I have no idea where all these tears came from...its probably because I kept it all in for weeks now. I needed to scream so bad. I needed to curse and to just hit the wall nonstop ...I wished I could break something anything hand leg. I needed this pain inside me to turn into a physical pain,to just become something that can be seen and fixed.
...
As soon as mother came back home I was already laying in bed covered in blankets to not let her see the mess I'm in.
As soon as I closed my eyes, all kinds of scenarios were running inside my head. I kept imagining standing in the middle of the highway close to our house and just let a car take me with her speed、imagine going to the beach and just walk in until my legs cant reach sand ( I cant swim ) and let the waves take me away and who knows which shore I will be taken to, nothing but a dead corpse..I imagined going to the mountains standing at the top of the hill tie my hands and legs and just throw myself.

Mom always had rat poison,but I'm just not into taking it... poison usually doesnt kill you if u r discovered on time...
Sometimes I also think of stealing grandma's pills, she have heart issues and those ones would cause my heart to stop if I take too many of them.
I've done my research but still I'm never alone enough time to try any of this,and I'm a prisoner in my own house, I cant go out whenever I feel like it. And I have nothing to lie about to find the right excuse to go out.

Looking back I find nothing good to remember...looking forward I have nothing to look forward to..looking around me I find nothing but darkness. I cant feel anyone's warmth not even mom's ...I cant feel I'm cherished by this family or anyone else. I cant feel I'm loved not even self love...what is there to love in me?

When I'm left alone and try to call someone I find no one to call, when I'm in trouble and need serious help I hold my phone and try to find someone to reach out to,I see an empty list ...
I wasnt even lucky to have online friends, younger、older 、 same age ...no one literally no one.

I have my boyfriend and he is the only person that I would do anything for..
He is the one that made sure to make me write everything and Express everything but it saddens me to make him see this.
Even in my deepest sorrow,I never told him this..And I never will. That's probably the only happy time I have, i wouldn't ruin it ....and he needs better care than I do.

My BF is diagnosed with CF, he spends most of his time in hospitals. And when he is out he needs love、care and so much happy moments and great memories,something to distract him from what he is going through.
Long distance relationship is never easy but I'm trying my best to make it up for him by being there for him. But I cant help it...I'm only but one human.

I will always have these moments of despair..I've thought about suicide since I was 12. It's not something new, but i always held to this invisible string hoping that tomorrow would be better. It's not getting any better for me but I just cant leave now. Not after having him...all i do is for him. I'm not living for myself.
I needed to live for another person, or I wouldve died.
...
I slept with an empty stomach,I slept with bruises, i spent nights depraved from sleeping.
When I was 5 I used to go to school without a coat or boots..the weather was freezing and I had no choice but go to classes. We were and still as poor as fuck. I used to come back home drenched and get sick for weeks because we didnt have meds to help me get better...I remember spending most of winter at home sick and still dad used to beat me ordering me to study and attend classes.
I used to watch kids eating their meals and I had none. We barely had enough food at home.

Teachers felt sorry for us, one day one of my brothers teacher bought them clothes..and when they came back home dad was extremely angry asking them where did they get this and ordered them to give it back to her.
I remember how it felt to hold my hands out in the cold while dad starts hitting them with a piece of wood, it felt like an electric shock, the pain was unimaginable...they would get so red so swollen I could barely hold a spoon to eat. It would take days for my hands to get better and actually able to use them.
I wonder where was mom in all of this?...

When I go to take a shower and stand fully naked in front of the mirror I remember all these bruises that I was so desperate to hide from classmates and teachers...and when I look at my hair I remember how dad used to pull me from my hair and make me crawl inside the house to the corner of one of the rooms and close it behind and take his belt out and start hitting me ..not with the leather side but from the metallic side ( is that how they call it in english? )
I'm probably the one that received abuse the most in this house.
He used to pull my hair and order me to sit and cut it all and just leave me there crying. He knew I loved long hair yet he made sure to take that away from me. While mom is begging him to stop afraid that he would cut my throat along the way ...

I don't trust men anymore, I have all the right to not trust them but I know the good ones when I see them. And I dont trust mother's love. I never received it.

One good gesture would change my whole life ..I wish everyone knew that. One good word ! Is that hard to say ? ...I was treated like a stranger all along even though I treated them nicely,I cared for them all but their pride was beyond all...they couldn't be humble enough to just tell me one nice word ...and that's okay. They are all gone anyways.

Girls are even worse than men...their jealousy takes over and do everything possible to destroy the other. That's why I stopped having female friends. The last friend I had was probably 3 or 4 years ago...I dont consider anyone a friend anymore.

I hate to admit that I'm scared now of making friends or getting attached to anyone. I've had enough stabs in one year...

I'm not looking forward to 2022 or any year. I'm not looking forward to the future..and I'm not expecting anything good from anyone...that's the least I can do to protect this dead soul.

I was once religious but not anymore....for me God and his angels are all dead. If there is a demon in life then it definitely is dad.




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