imagine reading this after finding out I've passed away due to some undiagnosed heart condition
November 30, 2021 Tuesday 1:23 PM
On the train home yesterday, I had a mildly distressing experience: I was staring out the window. I felt nauseas. My head hurt a little (surprise, lol). My heart was beating so hard. It felt hard to breathe, like the oxygen wasn't sticking, I had to concentrate just to barely reach the necessary amount of air.
I started thinking that I was going to die really soon. Like, of heart failure, specifically. A lot of internal injuries scare me—stroke, liver failure, etc.—but I think heart issues are the most disturbing to me. At the doctor's, they checked my blood pressure and it was sort of low. And when I got an EKG months ago, my heartbeat was also slow enough that they called it "bradycardia."
For the most part, I didn't care because I'm not suffering any of those hypotension symptoms and I exercise frequently, so I figured it was just that. But I suddenly remembered the way sometimes, at my old apartment in Providence, I used to have trouble falling asleep because it felt like the air wasn't getting into my lungs, like it kept seeping out before it got into the blood. That was happening again on the train and I could feel my heart pounding. And then that makes me remember the time in my apartment two years ago that I thought I was going to die because my vision went entirely black and I couldn't breathe.
These are things doctors call panic attacks, but it's really odd to me, because I've had something else I can only call a panic attack, but it feels more like I can't control my breathing and I can't calm down and my body starts to get numb and floaty. That, to me, is a panic attack. I never think I'm dying, but I don't have control.
Anyway, I *was* actually panicking a little on the train, trying to belly-breathe but I couldn't stop thinking about dying. I've been thinking I'm going to die soon. Then I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was fine. It was weird.