im sad again
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2021-11-26 05:37:06 (UTC)

back again,

I haven't used this site for a year and a half now. I deleted my old one when my boyfriend read some things without my permission. I want to be as open and honest as I used to be. I want to stop living in fear that someone might read this. I want time to myself. I want to express my feelings when I feel them. Even if its the heat of the moment and I regret feeling it. I'm the most drained I've ever been in my life. I lack routine. I hate myself and my looks.
I think the last entry I wrote in here was about me staring to cut my thighs and how I didn't know who I was anymore. I recently impulsively cut myself again. I don't know why. I carved "Im sick of me" into my skin. I had been listening to jealousy jealousy by olivia rodrigo. I cried at the "I'm so sick of myself" part. I've been listening to other songs recently with the same vibe. Taylor swift nothing new. When it says "the kind of radiance you only have at seventeen." I was confident when I was 17. I had the best body I've ever had, I had friends, and I had a good boyfriend. I was the happiest I've ever been. I've gained weight since then, lost all my friends except sara, and I do have a great boyfriend but idk. I still hate myself and where I'm at in life. I'm still afraid to say some things and be totally honest in here. I feel like someone is looking over my shoulder. I'm scared of accidentally leaving a tab open and my boyfriend reading it and invading my privacy. I think if he knew my thoughts he would leave me immediately. I dont tell him everything. If I did he'd be dissappointed in me. I'm a bad girlfriend to him. At least from my pov. I had an interview for a job about a year ago and I got the job but it gave me a lot of anxiety and I didnt want to change poopy diapers so I told the boss that I couldnt take the job because my dad got cancer and I had to take care of him. I told everyone else that she said she hired someone else and didnt need me anymore. But I'll tell more another day. I'm tired

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