Songbird System

Raven
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2021-11-26 08:50:42 (UTC)

I Hate You

Guess who had a horrible day? Me. Because I hate so many people oh my God.

Guess who was forced to go to another Thanksgiving? Me. Because the thought of me having my own actual emotions and opinions is something my family cannot comprehend. I'm just a baby machine to them.

It killed me inside to stay quiet once again during Thanksgiving. Which is literally a holiday about worshipping colonization and genocide. I fucking hate this holiday. Of course, my grandparents and mom were being super racist and don't see any problems with their actions. Grandma, you can't be racist towards white people. Grandpa, please stop saying blacks.

I was also forced to watch the Macy's parade. Me. Who has a severe trigger of being around anything Macy's now since I had an absolutely traumatic time working there. My family loves Macy's. They don't care about me.

...If they figure out the truth, I'm dead. I don't know what to do.

Fuck you, mom. I hate you. With everything in my being. I fucking hate you.

Of course, Morgan was allowed to not go. But not me. I'm not allowed to decide anything. If I try to make a decision for myself, I'm dead. If I speak up, I'm dead. My grandparents are becoming obsessive with me. They keep trying to convince me to live with them. Just now they offered up money for me to live with them. They want me. They desire me. They want me to have no free will and be with Alex forever.

I'm terrified. I'm fucking terrified.

At least I got to see Olivia today. That was nice. For once I'm not forced to leave behind everything I hold dear. Whenever my aunt and uncle aren't being idiots, they're actually pretty progressive and call out racism. It's fucking weird to be agreeing with weird ass Mark but he has some sort of morals. And of course my mom complained about him calling out racism. Because of course.

I'm so fucking tired.

Oh, also Willow is in the vet hospital. That was a lovely way to start Thanksgiving. Morgan is extremely emotional and giving away all her money. My mom is crying about how Morgan isn't giving her money to her even though in her eyes everything that we have belongs to her. And I'm just here. Suffering.

...Should I stay? I don't know. I don't know how to live outside my family's prison. I don't want to be a burden for Sword if our plans do somehow work if I ever do run away to him. And no, we don't have anything romantic going on. I'm asexual.

I want to free from this family. I'm just waiting until my grandparents die. But can I hold on for that long? Because one wrong move and they will legit kill me. And I don't want to die. Seriously, I'm dead if they figure out I'm LGBT (especially being trans since that destroys their whole baby maker view) or communist.

...I don't want to die.


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